Happy Birthday to me!

Birthdays were always something that seemed to bring an odd sense of disappointment along with them. For some reason, having a birthday in the Summer meant that a little of the magic was lost in the bustle of getting ready to go back to school, having to be back to school, family vacations or just the madness that happens in the Summer months. I absolutely love my family, but growing up as the tag-a-long and learning now that I'm older that my love language is gifts was just a recipe for disaster. I've almost never hated a question more than, "What do you want for your birthday?" "What do you want to do for your birthday?" Guys and gals, let me just give you some hints...if your significant other has a true love language of gifts, you should not ask them this question. Be intuitive, figure it our yourselves! Be creative, and do something loving...you'll be golden if it actually means something significant. I mean, someone could give me a stick and if it has a meaning behind it, I would cherish that stick for the rest of my life! (just saying) So...needless to say, in a busy family of 6 I was lucky to get a cake, and for some reason true happiness has always eluded me on my 'special' day. 

I'll never forget one fateful day when I was in 5th grade. It was the first Summer that we started early to school, and our first or second day landed on my birthday. You can't blame mom, because the other kids were just getting back to school too. 2 to college, and one a senior in high school. I'll never forget my exchange with her the evening before. I had envied the other kids in school my whole life because they always got to bring treats to school on their birthdays. I had never had that glorious opportunity to do the same.  Sure, they had that dumb day where we would celebrate 'summer birthdays' but I never got to experience the great joy of having the spotlight and impressing my peers. I wanted to take something that would knock their socks off. I wanted to take ice cream drumsticks. 

Now, I was a  smart little girl...I knew the price of each box, I had made sure to check the last time we were at Aldis. I knew the price per drumstick and I knew exactly how many we would need, with 3 left over for my family. I was certain that this was a sure-fire plan in getting exactly what I wanted. Except when mom said no. I was devastated to say the least. I was so mad at her. How dare she deny me my right to have the ONE thing I wanted for me birthday? Well, the next morning came and I was NOT going to be denied. I ran around the house, gathering as much spare change as I could find. Checking all of the usual spots that dad would empty his pockets when he got home from work. I ran to the country store, feeling completely dejected but needing a plan. I left the house without saying bye to mom, by the way. I got to school and not as proudly as I would have liked, went up to my teacher to tell her I had brought a 'treat.' In vain, we enjoyed our Tootsie Pops, me knowing I was a complete and total failure to the rest of the class.

It wasn't until that afternoon that the embarrassment truly set in. I have always had an enormous guilt conscious and I was feeling pretty sick by lunch time. Not only that but my mom, while I secretly stole money from around the house and bought tootsie pops in shame...went to Washington. Do you want to guess what she bought for me and my classmates? Ice cream drumsticks. But, we had already had my treat...not only had I stolen something, I now completely underhanded the outrageously kind thing that my mama had done for me. The ice cream didn't taste the same that year. Though, the 6 boxes did last us a long time at home.

This is just one of the many silly experiences I've had on my birthday. For some reason they were just never as special as I thought they should be in my head.

This year I wanted to be proactive in changing some of that. Around January, I found a post on pinterest that I kind of morphed into my own. In the post the family had a jar that they would write their favorite memories on from the week. Then on new years eve, they would get them out and read them, reliving the joys, laughing, and telling even more stories that came to mind. 

When I saw it, I couldn't help but wonder, "How much do I forget throughout the year that God has done in my life, simply because I don't write it down somewhere?" So I set out on a journey. Every time I remembered, I would write down the good things that God had done in me, or in my family. i would write of things He would speak to me or do for me. Verses that spoke life to me, testimonies of His goodness or healing, anything of significance would get written down and go in the jar. About 2 weeks in I found myself being more thankful for all of the little things that I had seemed to forget about in the past. 

I decided, that since in the past my birthdays haven't been 'all that amazing', I would read my testimonies on that day, focusing only on the good He had done and not my 'lack.'

I was really amazed at what I found. These were only from since January! I can't imagine how full it will be next year! Especially with how it's starting out. Good grief. I laughed, I cried, I marveled at what a mighty God we serve, and how good He is to His children.

I forgot to count them, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was one for every day. His goodness follows us everywhere. I never want to forget about that again.

When I started this, I knew there would be a second component. I never knew what that was, but I felt like I was supposed to burn these testimonies for a few different reasons.

1)Whenever you seal something, you use heat or fire. When they used the old wax seals on an envelope they would melt the wax before applying the seal. I felt like God was asking me to seal in all the good things that had happened in my 23rd year of life.

I was pretty amazed at how big some of the flames could get from one piece of paper. It reminded me that one testimony can keep us burning for a long time. 2)I felt like I was to burn these testimonies because they are now in the past. While God always wants us to remember His goodness, He does want to give me new testimonies for my 24th year.

We cannot afford to limit Him to the way He's 'always' done things in the past. He's God, and He wants to build in us line upon line, precept upon precept, taking us from glory to glory. If we only expect Him to show up the same way He's always shown up, we will miss what He wants to do now. Lastly, I spent some time in prayer and let the ashes blow away. This is a new year to trust Him. A new year to let Him be Lord and Savior of my life.

I realized as I'm typing this, that I think this is one of my first Birthdays away from 'home.' While there could have been a lot of temptation to feel alone and sad, the testimonies of my past allowed me to dream and believe for a future. This was something that I desperately needed....Happy Birthday to Me!

This 24th year has already set itself up to be a doosey. More on that to come. Who knows where it will take me. One thing's for sure....I'm gonna need a bigger jar.

Enough

Blogging? What's that? As much as I'd love to apologize for the lack of writing on my end, I think that if anything else was added to my plate right now there would be one crazy Lara running around Redding, as if I wasn't crazy enough already. ;)

I hardly ever do this, but I wanted to share a song that I literally just finished about 15 minutes ago. It's stiff, needs a lot of work, and is far from perfect but it is just so much what I sense a lot of people, especially my closest friends are walking through right now.

This week was a hard one for me, I won't lie or try to sugar coat it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out how to pull myself up. Sure, I was homesick, and sure I'm not necessarily loving my jobs at the moment but really nothing 'bad' happened at all that really should have triggered the intense battle that I've walked through in the last 5 days. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that internally I was dealing and contemplating with a question that I think every follower of Christ walks through in different levels throughout their lives-"Is He enough?" Now. I'm not talking, is God enough when things are good, but really, truly, deeply, is God enough for me to live the life I'm living? Is He able to meet not just my physical needs but my emotional and mental needs as well? When I have literally no one to turn to, when there seems to be no point to what I'm doing, is He sufficient? Is He worth everything?

I feel like the deeper our walk goes with Him, the more we will ask this. Every level deeper we go in our relationship, the more serious His kingdom is for us the more we will have to know...Is He enough? Is He worth it? Is He able?

While I haven't settled it completely in my heart, the best I can do is lean into Him, trusting Him with control and laying down my independence at the foot of the cross where Jesus paid dearly with His life as a shining beacon that yes, this God that we serve, He is sufficient for all our needs and He will pay any price for us to know it.

To everyone right now that is going through this same battle I pray and trust that Papa God will show and prove Himself strong for you. In the meanwhile, I pray that you will trust that He is enough. I am thankful that we serve a God that wants to be a part of our mess, that isn't afraid of our questions, and who longs for realistic relationship even when that means we have doubts and we struggle. Hold on, for like me, I believe daylight is coming for you as well. I'm in this for the long run, even when my feelings betray me, I will trust that He is enough.

This song is for you: Enough-Lara Hochstetler August 3, 2012
Will you be enough for me
Will you be my shelter so I can hide
Will you be enough for me
Will you be my comfort when I just can't understand
Will you be enough

Will you be enough for me
Will you hold me close when I can't stand on my own
Will you be enough for me
When my faith is weak and I can hardly hold on
Hold On

You are my hope when my courage has failed
You are my refuge through the storms
You are my joy when all colors have faded away
And through it all I'm amazed to find You're enough

Will you be enough for me
When my days are at their end
Will you be enough for me
When I breath my last, and we walk hand in hand

You are enough
You are enough for me dedicated to the late Lynn Swee

'My Life is Christ' An update after 5 months in Redding

It's hard to process a life that is so full. Full of joy, full of pain, full of life, full of confusion. Full of love, hope and peace and full of chaos, a frantic pace,  and unanswered dreams. God's faithfulness in this season of my life in Redding leaves me breathless every time I think about it. When I look at who I was 5 months ago, or even a few days ago for that matter, I hardly know who I am any longer. The joy that I feel in seeing His perfect strategy of removing me from everything I've once known, is something that would leave anyone breathless. It's like He's had to remove me from all of the safety, or what I thought was safety,  to show me strengths that lie within. Strengths I would have never known I possessed if I wouldn't have moved here.

Redding has been a challenge, to say the least. I never would have dreamt when I moved here that I'd have the life I have now. And yet, I never would have dreamt that I could be doing the things I'm doing, living the life I'm living and be fully, completely happy. I've learned that if I'm trusted with something huge, like a house, I will work and fix it up to the best of my abilities. I've learned that when God's favor is on your life, you have crazy things happen to you-like an offer for a second job you'd never thought you'd enjoy. Also, that God's favor is never for yourself, always to give away which I enjoy giving to my beautiful ladies at my new job. I've learned that if you take everything away from me and drop me in a foreign place, I would be ok there. I've learned that in the middle of chaos, if you make yourself be quiet and listen to God, He will always be saying, 'It's going to be ok.' I've learned that if you're ever in need, God is the best Father, Friend, Provider, Brother, listener, and lover you could ever have or dream of wanting. I've learned that His dreams and ideas for my life are way bigger than my pea-brained mind can ever comprehend. I've learned that when faced with the choice to save-face and act like someone you're not in order to gain access or approval from people, you should always just be yourself-the issue is theirs, not yours.

I've also learned that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I see God's strategy singing over almost every area of my life except those things that I've held dear as my dreams in the past. Those things, still, are on hold. I thought when I moved to Redding I would have amazingly divine connections, see crazy things (which I have), and know where my life is heading. And in all honesty, the completely opposite has happened. God has taken everything and pretty much put it upside-down. Am I a musician? Will I ever write books? Will I travel the world, seeing Him show me unspeakable things, all for His glory? Will I ever get to camp again, and speak/encourage and equip youth to live and fulfill their destinies? Will I ever be able to host and encourage dreamers? Will I get the immensely HUGE honor of leading worship with God's precious body ever again? I had a thought yesterday that I've thought about before, but I don't know if I've ever really, fully walked through before like I am right now:
"If you're not willing to lay down something for the Kingdom's sake, then you're not going to carry it correctly and therefore, cannot be trusted with it". Sometimes God has to make sure that He knows that we have all of the things we need to carry something in and with character before He can release us into the fullness of what He has for us. It's like our pastor's always talk about out here, 'He will never give us something that will destroy, and ruin us. It's in His mercy that some times, He withholds certain blessings. Now, I'm not talking healing or anything like that, of course, but there are things that, if given pre-maturely will hurt us. I have no idea if that's what's going on in my life, neither do I know if what I've dreamed of before was in the right heart and if it was from God.
One thing I do know: It is my honor to serve Him in whatever capacity He gives me. I told Him long ago that I longed to give Him my WHOLE life, every moment, and every fiber. It is in this season, that I am showing Him. I find joy, where there previously was none. I find strength where my strength used to run out. I find peace even though I am battling far bigger/harder/greater things than I ever have before. And I find myself encouraging so many more than (embarrassingly enough) I ever had when I was 'in ministry.' I find myself being overwhelmed by His goodness in moments that I look at my checkbook and future and have NO idea where my life is going to go next. But most of all, for perhaps really the first time in my whole life, I enjoy being ME. Not because I think I'm better, stronger, or greater than anyone else...but because I am truly beginning to understand Papa God's love for me.
It is from here, from this love, that I long to change the world, that I long to mother nations, and see youth set free and released into their destinies. It is from this place that I long to release hope into the 4 corners, and see every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord.  It is from love that I long to write-down heaven and release it like honey into a hurting world. It is from this place that I know one day, sickness, darkness, and demons will flee because they can't stand the sight of Jesus in me. And it is from this place, this understanding of His love, that I am able to be here, be working 2 jobs that previously would have meant less than nothing to me, re-doing a house, trying (feebly) to help in ministry, and be doing it almost completely alone-with a joy that I have never possessed before. It is because of His love, that this season is what it is.

I love my life. As chaotic as it may be. As much as someone else would look at it and say it's nothing special or that I'm not 'doing much'. My life is everything, because my life is Christ.

Day 2: Glendalough, Avoca.

Day 2 started and we were off for more adventures. This is just one example of some of the roads we ended up on. No room was ever wasted. :)

Our first stop was at St. Kevin's church at Glendalough. St. Kevin came to Glendalough in the 6th century. As a monk, His monastery became the parent to many more monasteries in Ireland. He was known for His extremely devout nature, and His solitude. We had the honor of meeting the priest and a precious sister at the church. It was a rich experience and it was very much a set up from God.  I loved listening to the Father talk, He was a wealth of knowledge who was deeply concerned about the people of Ireland. It would be fun to return there someday!

Next we had the honor of going to see the monastic sight of Glendalough. It has been one of the most visited places in Ireland for 1400 years, starting with the arrival of St. Kevin and then later with St. Lawrence O Toole who was known for his hospitality and His sanctity for people during the many invasions that Ireland has endured. 

At one time there were 7 churches at this small site. People would flock here on a pilgrimage to meet with God. And though most of the site was destroyed by the English in 1398, what remains is beautiful to say the least. While here, I had to wonder, 'if the presence is so strong here now, what was it like when it was a fully-functioning site?'

This, in it's time, was the largest church in Ireland. There was something about walking into this place that made me want to worship God. His presence, even after this place has laid in ruin for so long, lingers here. It's strong on the whole site of Glendalough, but here in the church I could feel it the most. I wanted to pull up a chair and stay a long while.

This was the tower that would ring the call for times of prayer. Also it was used to store food and valuable things. The door is so high because in times of invasion they would hide people in the tower then pull the ladder up so that no invaders could get in. Here, and at another site we went to we noticed that the towers were the only things with no damage to them. The call for intercession and prayer still rings out all over the land.

Glendalough was what we call a thin-place. A place where you could feel heaven's presence just being there. We had fun soaking it in, and also partnering with what we felt God was speaking to us about Ireland there. Many prayers were said for the glory that we felt there to spread all over Ireland, outside the church and into every realm of society.

Behind the celtic cross you can see a hill on the right. This was my favorite hill. Like never before, I was sure there were a whole lot of angels there.

While in Ireland we did a lot of praying at different waters. We prayed that 'deep would call to deep' that the land would remember the times it was in revival in the past and that God would help it happen again. This was a place that I had read about in a brochure the night before but we had no idea where it was, or how to get there. And what do you know? We just 'happened' to drive right past it. It is a place called the 'meeting of the 2 waters' and it's literally 2 rivers merging into one. It was beautiful.

Next we got to go have a bit of fun in a wee little town called Avoca which is better known as the filming sight of BBC's Ballykissangel, a precious show that the VanWinkle's have gotten me attached too a bit. If you ever want to learn a bit more about the culture of Ireland, I recommend it. (uncle Gary.)

Here Jim and Brenda are acting out a scene from Ballykiss.

Next we stopped to have fish and chips at Fitzgeralds. How much more irish can you get?

It was just a little delicious. :)

We drove and found a random B&B in the middle of the country with one of the most precious owners. We all felt extremely blessed as we settled in for the evening. And as if the full day wasn't enough, God gave us this before we went to bed.

Another musing on Trust

Welp. I totally failed on my promise last week with no intentions of doing so. It seems that having 2 jobs, getting a house ready and trying to figure out who you are in the midst of God rearranging your whole life is quite time-consuming. But ALAS! I have a WHOLE day off tomorrow! (first time in a couple of weeks with no agenda) so I fully intend to write many more updates from Ireland tomorrow and then post them throughout the week.

I'm not going to lie, my last week was a hard one. It seems like there is a line between being busy and being so busy that you just feel yucky about yourself. I definitely crossed that line last week. It's not that you're a bad person, but you just have very little energy to really spend on anything besides surviving. I'm so glad that we serve a God that is full of second chances, grace, and compassion that would break the hardest heart. I'm so glad that in seasons like this He is so pleased even when we just simply acknowledge that He is with us.

For some reason God has been having me reread "The Shack" the last few weeks. It's a book that I really do love but I had already had about 3 other books started and so to be honest I thought, "Really? Another one that I probably won't finish?" And yes, it's taking me a lot longer to get through it than books I usually read. But it's been one of those, pick-it-up-to-just-read-a-chapter-and-completely-get-wrecked-and-owned-by-what-you're-reading-because-it-was-exactly-what-you-needed-in-the-moment type of books. Totally and completely set up by God. He is such an amazing pursuer and friend, always giving you exactly what you need, even when you don't know what you need.

To be honest, there were several times where this week I knew it would be easier for me to give up, pack up, and go back to Iowa. When you reach a point like the one I did this week, I think it's one of the clearest signs that you are about to break into a whole other realm. When the easiest option is to give up, it means that you are knocking down walls and taking unknown ground. This usually gives me motivation to keep breaking through, to keep pressing into Him to see whatever I'm breaking into completely fulfilled. This week, however, I was tired and I feel like this is happening in almost every aspect of my life. I felt almost too tired to remain hopeful, too tired to keep dreaming-something I do naturally. So I just put my hand to the plow, learning every day just a little bit more how to trust the process He has me in. Trusting that He is doing far bigger things in me and for me than I know how to do.

Getting back to "The Shack;" at one of my hardest moments this week I, of course, came across this quote which both helped me in the deepest ways possible, and also challenged me a whole lot in my small faith. I'm finding that happens with God-when He shares things with you it's to comfort, but also to propel you into a deeper relationship with Him.

"Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."

I was having such a hard time with trust this week, something that I normally don't struggle with as much. I realized this week that I still have no idea how much God loves me. How much, even in a week when I could hardly stand myself, STILL He loves me. He knows every part, even the parts I want to hide in a corner and show to no one, and still He loves me. He's crazy about me. And He's just as crazy about you! It's when we understand this fact that we can begin to trust Him. First in small things, then growing until we are completely assured of how well He holds our precious lives."

So, needless to say, last week is over and this week has begun. I'm learning to trust His love, trust His timing, and trust that He sees the order in this seeming chaos. I long to live every day in total trust of who He is as a good Father, as a provider, and as one who gives my life meaning and purpose. One day at a time, one step at a time, surely His love endures forever

L

(more ireland to come tomorrow, promise!)

Ireland Day 1: Travel and Dublin.

After an incredibly busy but satisfying first few weeks of May we were off on our adventure. Jim and Kim Vanwinkle, and I left on a sunny Saturday evening for Ireland to join Brenda, who had been ministering the 2 previous weeks in Northern Ireland, Dublin, and Cork.

Our flights all went well though we did get our exercise in the San Francisco airport making sure to catch our connection. But after that we were greeted with the luxury of seats with extra leg room on our 10 hour jaunt to London. The flight went quickly and I, who never sleep on flights, slept surprisingly well. It's safe to say that the trip was off to an amazing start I, myself surprised at the ease and safety I felt.

We arrived in Dublin at around 6:00pm on Sunday evening. After my first experience of driving on the terribly signed, narrow roads of Ireland we all slept extremely well, staying in Dublin for the evening. The next morning after my first Irish Breakfast which was delicious and included some delicious baby mushrooms I'm going to try to replicate, we were off to explore some of Dublin after an amazing time of prayer and preparation for whatever God had for us in this amazing land.

First we went to the Book of Kells at the Trinity College Library. The book of Kells is a hand-copied Bible scribed by monks in Ireland years ago. It made us all think: "How much do you have to love God, and love the word of God to painstakingly hand copy it and decorate it word-for-word your whole life? It was an amazing sight, indeed, and was just one of the many symbols of the rich, deep heritage the Irish have had with God in the past we got to experience. We were excited to be used in awakening that heritage, excited that God would allow us to be in a land that He longs for so much to come back to where they were, and go even beyond that in their passion and pursuit of Him. 

We also got to go to an old church that they turned into a restaurant in the heart of Dublin. At this church, Wesley preached during the reformation, and Handel himself practiced the Messiah on the organ here. 

The best part? We got to get right up to it and touch it. This was an amazing experience for me. To be in a place of such history, and to 'pull' a little on the anointing left there by such profound men. 

On our way out of Dublin we stopped on the side of the road to get some Dandelions, we used them a lot in prophetic acts all over Ireland, I'll share more on that later perhaps. Anyways, when we pulled off, we looked back and had a gorgeous view of Dublin. You could see the ocean and some of the city, and a huge thunderstorm beginning to move in as we looked back over it. It was an amazing sight. We happily agreed with God that His rains would cover Dublin and His presence would stay there and envelope the whole town.

A few miles later, as we were trying to find a B&B following the terribly marked roads of Ireland, we came upon a huge double rainbow. It was amazingly beautiful. Brenda had earlier had prophetic words about watching the skies to see that you're on the right track, watching for rainbows and also that she would receive a 'double portion.' We, again, were on the right path and were so happy to be met with such a sign and hug from God.

From the very first day, I was almost dumbfounded that a place could be so beautiful. Almost painfully beautiful. It is extremely apparent that God has marked this land. The air is cleaner than everywhere I've been before, the weather milder. It's almost impossible to set foot on the soil, or look at pictures and not fall in love. We were ready to see what God held for us in the rest of this extremely experimental trip. We felt blessed and satisfied as we turned in after our first day of praying in Dublin. 

That evening God gave me a vision of the wealth and resources of Dublin (it's a very wealthy city and Ireland is not a wealthy nation) being unlocked into the rest of the nation. I saw all of the huge banks we had walked by earlier that day getting a huge key inserted into them and the faces of the buildings swinging open, the money and resources being dispersed to the rest of the nation. Before we left California we prayed often for the nation to prosper. I'm believing that it will. 

Our B&B sign, on the evening of night 1.

AH! It's coming, I promise!

OK! SO, I have NOT forgotten to give you some stories of Ireland. Upon returning home, I immediately started my new job with Compass Care as an in-home care provider for elderly. I am absolutely in love with my little ladies and honored that God would allow me such a safe environment in which to learn how to love and care in such a practical way for the needs of others. He is opening my eyes in so many new ways, my brain can hardly comprehend it. While, I knew that I would be working for them I had no idea how much, but in the past 2 weeks I have averaged about 25-30 hours with them alone. Add that to my already 12 hours at Target and to trying to get my house settled and to the good bit of jetlag I've been going through and you have one very busy, but extremely satisfied Lara.

SO starting tomorrow I will being going either day-by-day or two days at a time of our journeys in Ireland. I'm so excited to share with you a bit of what God did during our time there, and some fun stories to go along with it. We are still having fun learning all that He's done there and continues to do after us. We just know that much was accomplished for the Kingdom. I will do my best to post some pictures along with what it all was, and feel free to take a little looksie over on my facebook page at the almost finished Ireland 2012 album.

ALSO God has been stirring some pretty exciting ideas in my little brain about some fun things that I hope that you will join me in doing. Look for more info on that on a Wednesday coming soon.
Love you all, and hope you enjoy my 'Ireland in Review' coming to you all week! ;)

-no editing needed-