Trust. Stewardship. Tension. A.K.A. One Month Post Iraq

One month ago I was waking up in Iraq. As I sit stateside in a coffee shop in the jacket I purchased there it can't help but feel a bit surreal. And to be honest I cannot help but feel sad. Today as I stood in Forever 21 holding a nice shawl I literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the store. As I picked it up my first thought was "Next time I'm in Iraq this would be a perfect thing to have!" While the thought was beautiful the response of my heart caught me completely off guard.

You see, no matter how hard I try to hear, and no matter how much I plead with God I have no idea when I'll go back. I love my life. I enjoy my job, and I have the most wonderful friends and family here. I am also not in a hurry to go "do amazing things for God" because I know that I already am right now. Yet, the longing in my heart today as I held that scarf was unmistakable. "When, God?" "How, God?" "Why, God?"

One of my favorite people in my current world explains the concept of favor like this: "Favor is the grace that we are given to take the Kingdom into our sphere of influence." Nothing in my mind can explain what I experience when I travelled better. I've never experienced so much grace in a week in my life. I'm made for it.

When I got back to the states I did really well adjusting back the way you'd expect. I jumped back into work, life, etc but by about Tuesday of last week I noticed it. The grace that had so evidently carried me so peacefully and easily prior, during and post my trip was completely gone. I couldn't believe how drastic it was. By Friday I felt like a complete mess. Jobs at work that are usually simple for me were taking twice as long, conversations that should have been easy turned complicated, messy and exhausting. Today I put myself in what I like to refer to as an emotional timeout...not as punishment, but rather a much needed break.

So today I find myself, once again, leaning into tension as hard and as much as possible. I'm trying to lean, as we many times we have to,  into the author and perfecter of the "now" and the "not yet."

I'm convinced that God loves when we thrive in our now. He loves to meet us in our weaknesses and wants us to be full of life and joy right now where we are. God also does this thing where He puts dreams and desires in our hearts. He gives us glimpses into our future, into what can and will be. Through the Holy Spirit, prophetic words, experiences and scriptures we get a vision for our future. If we're not careful though, that vision becomes our idol and we can end up miserable until we see it. We can get strange expectations and disillusioned on the journey. And heaven forbid that the plan not happen how we think it ought to!

The biggest part of stewarding our future is actually stewarding our today. Our heart attitude at this moment is basically all that we have control over. What we choose to believe and how we choose to respond to it is what is actually in our control.

I'm not going to lie. I'm sitting in a coffee shop an hour from home and yet I couldn't feel further from home in my heart. I'm trying not to cry into my outrageously large cup of coffee in front of a bunch of college kids. So much of me is so thankful for where I am. I'm thankful to be 27, free enough to travel, to have a clear mind that helps me work hard, to be gifted at so many random things. But part of me wants to know, "When do I get to run and do what I'm made for at a different level?" "When do I get to be married and be a mama like I know I'm made for?" "When do I get to be surrounded by the culture that I hold so dear and that has so captured my heart?"

And yet, in these moments, like my whole last week, I realized that the best thing I can do is stop trying so hard to get my answers from God like someone who barely hears from Him and just rest. I have decided I will structure my "now" by trusting Him with my "not yet."

Being a mature child of God is really odd at times. For sometimes maturity looks like pressing in, being consistent and growing up. But other times being mature looks like resting, laughing and being child-like. We must figure out what our appropriate response in the moment is. We must steward the moment we've been given and trust that we hear Him enough to know what that response will be.

So yes. It's been 1 month since Iraq. I am forever changed and forever aware that I'm accountable for what I've seen and experienced there. But I'm also accountable to where I am now. Thus, I must write. I will not hold back the truth of the region. The messiness, the sadness, the brutality. But I will also not hold back the glory of God. The promises, the testimonies and the hope. God has not stopped working in the region...far from it! Don't believe me? Don't you worry about it. I'll prove it to you and Holy Spirit will confirm it in your hearts.

Stay Tuned.
-Lara-