So I've been challenging myself to write more honestly and vulnerably so here goes. Today was a hard day. This was the first day since making my trek to Redding that I started to question 'why'? 'Why am I here? What am I doing? What's the point? God. If I heard you correctly, where are you? Where are my connections? Where are my resources? I need to find a place to live, so where is that at? What am I using to pay for it? You've called me to nations, so how am I getting there? I miss my piano!'
I don't have many hard days. Quite frankly, I don't allow myself to. God is so big, and good and mighty, that I really find them a waste of my time and energy. But I also won't allow myself to not focus on being honest with Him. He's SO not afraid of our mess, our doubts or in my case, my crankiness at not knowing the future. And yet, I'm suddenly aware at how hidden I've tried to keep myself from Him in the past. Absolutely no more. I will no longer keep myself from Him. Things certainly don't get solved or accomplished when we hide our deepest emotions, no matter how messy they are.
I was walking down by the river this afternoon trying to process all that I'm walking through. Being thousands of miles from family, getting my life rocked by all the new things He's trying to inject into me, now trying to find somewhere to live, getting up at 4:00am after perhaps 4 hours of sleep if I'm lucky, 4 times a week. And then also trying to find my place in this wide, wide world. Anyone would look at me and probably say I'm nothing special. I'm 23, I'm single, I hardly own anything, and I have degrees in things that make absolutely no money. And yet, there is something huge pulling on my life. Something I can't even yet fathom.
As I sat on a bench watching ducks go nuts in the 70 degree weather (sorry Iowa!) I could feel the cool, calm voice that I always long to hear and that I especially needed in the midst of this crazy day, "What are you going to believe Lara? Who I say that you are? Or what your checkbook says? Who are you going to believe? The people that think they know you? Or me? What of your call? Have I not called you? Could anything be too big for a heart that's abandoned, and a God who's willing? So again? Who are you going to believe?"
This day, I choose to believe God.
This day I choose to look in the face on uncertainty and exercise my faith.
This day I choose courage. Not because I am able on my own. But because I know my God.
I'm trusting that He is going to show up in big ways in the next few days.
Are you?
"You have set up a banner for those who fear you, that they may flee to it from the bow. That your beloved ones may be delivered, give salvation by your right hand and answer us! With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes."
Psalm 60: 4-5, 12
Thanks for reading, and caring and continuing to pray for me. The next month will be a big one for me.
-Lara-
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Grace.
"Have I paid my dues just to be with you?"
There's a line from a song that is not spiritual by any means that is captivating my heart tonight. I'm sitting in a coffee shop pondering my life thus far. Contemplating and mulling over all that God's done for me, all that He's called me to do and be and how He equips us to do the seemingly impossible.
Now, I'm generally an extremely quiet person but at times my heart kind of explodes and my pen cannot write fast enough. Tonight is one of those nights so brace yourselves. :)
As I look over my life I see God's hands all over it. If I could sum it all up in one one word it would be grace. Being born into the family I was, at the time I was. I hated being a tag-along for most of my life but have begun to love it. Much wisdom was gleaned simply by watching and observing my siblings grow up. They have taught me much and I see each of them within me in different ways. My families on both sides are Godly, being born into this is only by the grace of God.
Being born in Iowa, into a Mennonite church family...while some would see this as secluded that verse in Psalms comes to mind-the one about God placing you up in a safe place, in the cleft of the rock comes to mind. Again...grace, to be set in such a safe place. Iowa provided me a safe place to grow and be nurtured. My church, the same.
As a child I was fearless; flipping myself headlong over the handle bars of bikes, skidding down hills on my knees while roller-blading, being used by my brothers as a target in a field to punt footballs to, and flipping over and over again on the trampoline. There was much grace knowing that I escaped childhood with only a broken collarbone.
Then I think of places like Alive Festival, where my parents and family started going when I was just 12. I was prolific in music before I even knew that I wanted to be. I could find a band to fit any one's tastes and at times skew peoples tastes in order for them to see value in music that was dear to me. (how else do you get your parents to listen to rap?) And while I started out extremely critical of music God's grace has led me to a place where I can literally put in any form of music (minus country, sorry JB, I just can't do it) and find the value and worth in it. To love and appreciate the people behind the music that are so desperately trying to get their sound out.
And then we have morals. I can honestly say that things that most teenagers go through, struggle with I haven't struggled with at all. It hasn't been a denial thing, I just haven't even been tempted by them. I can't explain it except this one word...grace. I looked at my peers and what things they were getting themselves into and wondered at it's appeal. And not because I was some flawless angel but because of the commitment I had made to God and the outrageous grace He had on my life. This stage of my life made me see that there was an aspect of grace that completely keeps us from situations. It's something I thank God for almost every day.
God has continually set me in a cleft and hidden me there. For what purpose? I'm sure we're about to find out. I have had the honor and privilege to meet some of the most amazing people; from Ted Dekker to Paul Baloche. I have sat under some of the most anointed teachers and nourishing Pastors. I now serve under one of my favorite Mamas. And why? This one word...grace. I cannot deny it.
From Iowa to Kansas, from Pennsylvania to Colorado His grace has ever been my anthem. From Indiana, Indonesia, Ohio and Oklahoma-it's been His grace sustaining me, keeping me, holding me in ways I cannot explain or even begin to fathom.
And now to this place. One of the craziest places on earth if you ask me. A place where change is accepted and encouraged. A place where it is totally normal to completely be undone by the goodness of God to the point where every single part of your life is shaken up and every perspective is changed. A place where I am finally fully becoming aware of who I really am. A place where I find myself thinking, "Really? I get to live here? Why me?"
Grace. I'm just so thankful for this which has marked my life. I'm excited because God has called me to dispense His grace in the same way He's dispensed it upon me.
"Have I paid my dues just to be with you?"
I would be lying if I said that my life has been easy. I've sacrificed a lot to be in the place that I am now. I have spent countless hours in vehicles, gallons of gas, hours of preparation. I have counted the hard cost of being away from my family and knowing that I might not see them much in my life, I have had many a lonely evening at home...but all of it could never be enough and I'm fully aware that none of it will compare to what's coming. I have this sense that I'm preparing to embark on some adventures that will completely leave me undone. And it's important to remind myself here in this safe place of this anthem over my life. For surely His grace has upheld me before, and surely it will uphold me as my co-laboring with Him increases as well.
It is my heart's desire that I pay my dues to be with Him. That I enter into a place with Him that I would be willing to sacrifice everything for Him. And as I go to the ends of the earth with Him surely grace will go with us. Why me? I'm no more special than you. But each of us carries such significance that the world needs. This has been my journey with Him, what's yours?
What are the anthems over you? What has been the theme that is overwhelming over your life? Because that means you hold a key in that to release to those around you. What are your anthems?
Mine is grace. I gladly release it to you in whatever capacity you need it. There is a grace to help you through and to overcome situations and a grace to completely avoid situations. I have walked through both. A grace to remain calm in situations that you should not be naturally calm in. A grace to deal with completely ungraceful people. This has been the anthem singing over my life, and now I sing it over you.
Love you all,
Lara
There's a line from a song that is not spiritual by any means that is captivating my heart tonight. I'm sitting in a coffee shop pondering my life thus far. Contemplating and mulling over all that God's done for me, all that He's called me to do and be and how He equips us to do the seemingly impossible.
Now, I'm generally an extremely quiet person but at times my heart kind of explodes and my pen cannot write fast enough. Tonight is one of those nights so brace yourselves. :)
As I look over my life I see God's hands all over it. If I could sum it all up in one one word it would be grace. Being born into the family I was, at the time I was. I hated being a tag-along for most of my life but have begun to love it. Much wisdom was gleaned simply by watching and observing my siblings grow up. They have taught me much and I see each of them within me in different ways. My families on both sides are Godly, being born into this is only by the grace of God.
Being born in Iowa, into a Mennonite church family...while some would see this as secluded that verse in Psalms comes to mind-the one about God placing you up in a safe place, in the cleft of the rock comes to mind. Again...grace, to be set in such a safe place. Iowa provided me a safe place to grow and be nurtured. My church, the same.
As a child I was fearless; flipping myself headlong over the handle bars of bikes, skidding down hills on my knees while roller-blading, being used by my brothers as a target in a field to punt footballs to, and flipping over and over again on the trampoline. There was much grace knowing that I escaped childhood with only a broken collarbone.
Then I think of places like Alive Festival, where my parents and family started going when I was just 12. I was prolific in music before I even knew that I wanted to be. I could find a band to fit any one's tastes and at times skew peoples tastes in order for them to see value in music that was dear to me. (how else do you get your parents to listen to rap?) And while I started out extremely critical of music God's grace has led me to a place where I can literally put in any form of music (minus country, sorry JB, I just can't do it) and find the value and worth in it. To love and appreciate the people behind the music that are so desperately trying to get their sound out.
And then we have morals. I can honestly say that things that most teenagers go through, struggle with I haven't struggled with at all. It hasn't been a denial thing, I just haven't even been tempted by them. I can't explain it except this one word...grace. I looked at my peers and what things they were getting themselves into and wondered at it's appeal. And not because I was some flawless angel but because of the commitment I had made to God and the outrageous grace He had on my life. This stage of my life made me see that there was an aspect of grace that completely keeps us from situations. It's something I thank God for almost every day.
God has continually set me in a cleft and hidden me there. For what purpose? I'm sure we're about to find out. I have had the honor and privilege to meet some of the most amazing people; from Ted Dekker to Paul Baloche. I have sat under some of the most anointed teachers and nourishing Pastors. I now serve under one of my favorite Mamas. And why? This one word...grace. I cannot deny it.
From Iowa to Kansas, from Pennsylvania to Colorado His grace has ever been my anthem. From Indiana, Indonesia, Ohio and Oklahoma-it's been His grace sustaining me, keeping me, holding me in ways I cannot explain or even begin to fathom.
And now to this place. One of the craziest places on earth if you ask me. A place where change is accepted and encouraged. A place where it is totally normal to completely be undone by the goodness of God to the point where every single part of your life is shaken up and every perspective is changed. A place where I am finally fully becoming aware of who I really am. A place where I find myself thinking, "Really? I get to live here? Why me?"
Grace. I'm just so thankful for this which has marked my life. I'm excited because God has called me to dispense His grace in the same way He's dispensed it upon me.
"Have I paid my dues just to be with you?"
I would be lying if I said that my life has been easy. I've sacrificed a lot to be in the place that I am now. I have spent countless hours in vehicles, gallons of gas, hours of preparation. I have counted the hard cost of being away from my family and knowing that I might not see them much in my life, I have had many a lonely evening at home...but all of it could never be enough and I'm fully aware that none of it will compare to what's coming. I have this sense that I'm preparing to embark on some adventures that will completely leave me undone. And it's important to remind myself here in this safe place of this anthem over my life. For surely His grace has upheld me before, and surely it will uphold me as my co-laboring with Him increases as well.
It is my heart's desire that I pay my dues to be with Him. That I enter into a place with Him that I would be willing to sacrifice everything for Him. And as I go to the ends of the earth with Him surely grace will go with us. Why me? I'm no more special than you. But each of us carries such significance that the world needs. This has been my journey with Him, what's yours?
What are the anthems over you? What has been the theme that is overwhelming over your life? Because that means you hold a key in that to release to those around you. What are your anthems?
Mine is grace. I gladly release it to you in whatever capacity you need it. There is a grace to help you through and to overcome situations and a grace to completely avoid situations. I have walked through both. A grace to remain calm in situations that you should not be naturally calm in. A grace to deal with completely ungraceful people. This has been the anthem singing over my life, and now I sing it over you.
Love you all,
Lara
Sunday, February 12, 2012
He is worth it all.
"You are worth it all."
In the whirlwind that is my life this last entry in my journal is the only way I know how to adequately state what I'm feeling. Living in Redding at this point in my life is at times mind-boggling. Things are moving so fast, things are changing so much-all I feel like I can do is wait in anticipation and expectation for what awaits around the next corner. Literally everything in my heart and mind is changing-of that I'm sure. Things that I thought were my giftings are undergoing a complete overhaul, complete construction. And strengths that I never knew I possessed keep springing up out of nowhere. These things that had never even once entered my mind now burn with passion in my heart. It's like before I had hoped that I had some strengths to share with people, and now I know that I have certain strengths and I can't wait to unleash them on people.
And then there comes the whole calling thing. I thought that I had a pretty good grasp of who I was and what I was planning on doing with some of my life. Now? Not so much. Things that I had thought I would do are now in a complete overhaul and things that I had written off due to thinking I had lack of skill or even things I had never even thought of are now starting to burn in my heart.
Anyways, this is the picture of my life right now. At times it can be overwhelming to have all these facets changing at once. But every time I'm the least bit overwhelmed, when I take the time to stop and ask what's going on His presence is so thick and He quietly reassures me, "I'm right here, Lara, closer than you've ever known." And I believe Him. It undoes me to think that the creator of the universe would take time to be this close and to intricately and intimately reshape my whole life. It's a beautiful process, really. Overwhelmingly beautiful. It's good to know that His grace is sufficient for all our needs and for times like this when I really am trying to figure out who I am.
And if I was tempted to be impatient, today's sermon was of course on...patience! Explained in such a beautiful way that I honestly have a whole new perception on the matter.
Of some things I am certain though:
-God is so completely in control and knows exactly what He's doing and where He's taking me.
-I have MUCH to learn but also a whole lot of grace to learn it.
-I'm in the right place at the right time and God redeems all time lost. An encouraging word for all of us!
-I thought I was a big dreamer before but I see now I didn't have a clue! I'm going to need good travel bags, a good international phone plan and lots of strategy.
-Any form of negativity, hopelessness, doubts or fears are a complete waste of time. Hands down. The end. Life is precious and I will not waste it thinking about how I 'can't' do something because I'm me.
-I long to never, in any way say 'no' or 'it seems like too much' to God. If He's called me, He will equip me.
-I would be on a plane tomorrow if I could or someone asked (again thankful for the word today about patience!)
-God is worth it all. All of the risk, though it seems so small. All of the change, every uncertainty. He's worth it all. He's worth every moment of my life.
I hope this inspires someone out there to lay down their lives for the sake of Christ. He knows every part of our heart that we diligently work to sacrifice to Him. I would highly encourage you, from the midst of my journey of trying to do the same, to sacrifice it all. And come visit me sometime! :)
I promise my next update will be more specifics on my actual life. Just wanted to give you this base right now.
I'd like to end by sharing a prayer I've been praying everyday during this journey of having my life be shuffled like some dutch blitz cards (holler at you Schrock cousins!). I'd highly encourage you pray the same prayer. I've watched my heart change towards numerous situations because of this simple prayer. I believe that if it's truly your heart, incredible things will happen for you as well.
Father:
I submit to Your timings.
I submit to Your knowing.
I submit to the control of Your Spirit.
I submit my dreams and longings all to Your will for the glory of Your name.
I submit my heart; its aches and its joys.
I submit my mind; every thought and perception.
I submit my whole self to you, oh God, a willing servant to the cause of Your kingdom.
Every breath, every tear, every word and every song shall ever be written by and for eternity.
This is my sacrifice, the only thing worth giving; here's my whole life.
Amen.
In the whirlwind that is my life this last entry in my journal is the only way I know how to adequately state what I'm feeling. Living in Redding at this point in my life is at times mind-boggling. Things are moving so fast, things are changing so much-all I feel like I can do is wait in anticipation and expectation for what awaits around the next corner. Literally everything in my heart and mind is changing-of that I'm sure. Things that I thought were my giftings are undergoing a complete overhaul, complete construction. And strengths that I never knew I possessed keep springing up out of nowhere. These things that had never even once entered my mind now burn with passion in my heart. It's like before I had hoped that I had some strengths to share with people, and now I know that I have certain strengths and I can't wait to unleash them on people.
And then there comes the whole calling thing. I thought that I had a pretty good grasp of who I was and what I was planning on doing with some of my life. Now? Not so much. Things that I had thought I would do are now in a complete overhaul and things that I had written off due to thinking I had lack of skill or even things I had never even thought of are now starting to burn in my heart.
Anyways, this is the picture of my life right now. At times it can be overwhelming to have all these facets changing at once. But every time I'm the least bit overwhelmed, when I take the time to stop and ask what's going on His presence is so thick and He quietly reassures me, "I'm right here, Lara, closer than you've ever known." And I believe Him. It undoes me to think that the creator of the universe would take time to be this close and to intricately and intimately reshape my whole life. It's a beautiful process, really. Overwhelmingly beautiful. It's good to know that His grace is sufficient for all our needs and for times like this when I really am trying to figure out who I am.
And if I was tempted to be impatient, today's sermon was of course on...patience! Explained in such a beautiful way that I honestly have a whole new perception on the matter.
Of some things I am certain though:
-God is so completely in control and knows exactly what He's doing and where He's taking me.
-I have MUCH to learn but also a whole lot of grace to learn it.
-I'm in the right place at the right time and God redeems all time lost. An encouraging word for all of us!
-I thought I was a big dreamer before but I see now I didn't have a clue! I'm going to need good travel bags, a good international phone plan and lots of strategy.
-Any form of negativity, hopelessness, doubts or fears are a complete waste of time. Hands down. The end. Life is precious and I will not waste it thinking about how I 'can't' do something because I'm me.
-I long to never, in any way say 'no' or 'it seems like too much' to God. If He's called me, He will equip me.
-I would be on a plane tomorrow if I could or someone asked (again thankful for the word today about patience!)
-God is worth it all. All of the risk, though it seems so small. All of the change, every uncertainty. He's worth it all. He's worth every moment of my life.
I hope this inspires someone out there to lay down their lives for the sake of Christ. He knows every part of our heart that we diligently work to sacrifice to Him. I would highly encourage you, from the midst of my journey of trying to do the same, to sacrifice it all. And come visit me sometime! :)
I promise my next update will be more specifics on my actual life. Just wanted to give you this base right now.
I'd like to end by sharing a prayer I've been praying everyday during this journey of having my life be shuffled like some dutch blitz cards (holler at you Schrock cousins!). I'd highly encourage you pray the same prayer. I've watched my heart change towards numerous situations because of this simple prayer. I believe that if it's truly your heart, incredible things will happen for you as well.
Father:
I submit to Your timings.
I submit to Your knowing.
I submit to the control of Your Spirit.
I submit my dreams and longings all to Your will for the glory of Your name.
I submit my heart; its aches and its joys.
I submit my mind; every thought and perception.
I submit my whole self to you, oh God, a willing servant to the cause of Your kingdom.
Every breath, every tear, every word and every song shall ever be written by and for eternity.
This is my sacrifice, the only thing worth giving; here's my whole life.
Amen.
I was blessed last weekend to be invited to the coast! The ocean is what makes me feel the most alive, and most aware of just how vast His mercy and grace and love is for us. It was definitely a needed trip and reminder that He really is holding all things, including my future in His hands.
I also got to see redwoods for just the 2nd time in my life. Of course amazing. Of course I wanted to run around and write a million songs that were cascading through my mind. :)
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