Back to School?!

Let me begin this blog by saying that in case you didn't know before...God has a very crazy sense of humor. I had no idea when I moved to California 8 months ago that one of the reasons was because God wanted me to go back to a school for Ministry. I thought I was done. I know that I have so much to learn, and that He wanted to teach me more about who I am and what exactly He has for me, but I had no idea until about 3 weeks ago, that this was the next step in the process that is my life.

But...through a couple of crazy, only-God-can-do-that encounters, here I am. 2 weeks and 1 day from starting school, $3000 to raise plus living expenses. Impossible, yeah? Nah, this same crazy God that has told me to go to school to begin with? I am in this process of learning how to trust Him. (hence the name of this blog) And while the thought of raising money makes me feel nauseous at times, I am pretty settled on one thing that I am so thankful for: God is just a little bit bigger and more able than me.

I will say though, that I frequently have to remind myself to take deep breaths. This came so far out of left field that I'm pretty sure I got blind-sided. Why is it that some of the best things in life come when we're not looking for them? I'm so glad that God is not confined to our tiny paradigm boxes, that He operates with eternity in mind, and that He knows exactly what we need even when we don't think we 'need' it at all.

I am going back to school. What?! It doesn't even seem real yet. I'm just gonna throw this out there: I never really liked school. I LOVE to learn and study and dissect things. I love to ponder and muse on an odd mix of subjects. I love to teach other people things too. But school? At about the 5th grade I really started to dislike it. I have a very unique learning style. I do things in odd orders, I have to create while I learn in order to really, fully learn and in most school structures I could hardly keep up enough to take notes, let alone draw little pictures beside them so I would remember. In many ways I felt like school killed a little part of me. My innocent creativity and imagination, my unique style of learning seemed to fade in the structured time slots of class periods.

I'm in awe of God. He just knows what we need even when we cannot put words to it. Did I say that already? Yeah, well I'll say it again anyways. Since moving to this insane place called Redding, God has been removing so much in my heart that could separate me from Him and other people. In almost every way He could make me uncomfortable, He has. I'm away from my family, and almost every other form of 'safety' I've previously known. Everything that I loved before is being reworked, almost like He is remaking the very fabric that holds me and defines me.

One day last week I was thinking about everything that's happening at an insane pace. I was almost frustrated at the thought of really going back to school...in some ways it felt to me like a step backwards, like I should already 'know' everything I need to really start into ministry. And, with needing to raise funds and ask for money I was feeling like it was confirming to me that it was. (why do we always do this to ourselves! Maybe it's just me?) Feelings can be very deceiving.

But...then I found this. For 'some reason' before I moved here I had found this at home and while I left all other keepsakes back in iowa this one got stuck in my planner. Throughout my time here it's actually annoyed me, constantly falling out and in the way of where I need to write my plans (there's that sense of humor again, God!) At one point I actually used the paper as scrap paper, that's how much I thought of it.  But, on this day last week, the sweet simplicity brought tears to my eyes, and insane peace to my heart.

I wrote this in the 1st Grade...

As I read it I realized that while I know I want and am called to serve Him with my life in ministry, I'm not sure in what capacity and in what way. I want God to take me back to the simplicity of living like this. When I look at the scope of the Kingdom I really do need and want and am excited to go back to school. What a huge honor to get the most, and best training I can. And what a huge honor that God would take me back to school now, and here even when I didn't think I needed it. Without me even looking, I have again been blessed beyond measure.

I had to laugh because with 2 jobs and running a house on my own, the last season of my life can be summed up by the word Chaos. I was relieved to see that I  think God wants to give me this kind of a season. Simple truths that shape who I am, and my life. I don't know a whole lot, but I do know this:

I love Jesus because He's fun. Father God is my favorite because He loves me all the time. I like school because it's where I want to be. I need a miracle to make it a reality. I will sell my kidney, or even worse, my piano if I have to because God has asked me to go back to school and no sacrifice is too great. And...I still like to read books because I like to look at pictures.

Welp, there you have it. It's big news and hard to believe that just a little over a month after God birthed this decision, I will be sitting in class. But, like I said, it's going to take a huge miracle. I will be attending Bethel Supernatural School of Ministry. It is a training for leaders who want to see Revival all over the world. I have so much to learn about what my role is, and if you would like to invest in what God is doing in me and in my future, words would not express my thankfulness. I also value very highly your prayers. This is a huge transition to make in just over a month. Like I said, I have a lot of money to raise in a very short amount of time, like a week from today would be great. 

For more information on the school:

http://www.ibethel.org/bethel-school-of-supernatural-ministry

If you would like to make a donation towards my tuition:

http://www.ibssm.org  (click donate online, donate to my name, you can do this annonymously)

If you would like to donate to my living expenses this year, as I will only be able to work a limited amount of hours at my 2 jobs or if you have any questions at all you can email me: larahochstetler@gmail.com

What do I even say? Thank you SO much and God bless you abundantly! I'm looking forward to many testimonies in the future!

Blessings,

Lara

Do these glasses make me look smart? I should probably get them for school.

Happy Birthday to me!

Birthdays were always something that seemed to bring an odd sense of disappointment along with them. For some reason, having a birthday in the Summer meant that a little of the magic was lost in the bustle of getting ready to go back to school, having to be back to school, family vacations or just the madness that happens in the Summer months. I absolutely love my family, but growing up as the tag-a-long and learning now that I'm older that my love language is gifts was just a recipe for disaster. I've almost never hated a question more than, "What do you want for your birthday?" "What do you want to do for your birthday?" Guys and gals, let me just give you some hints...if your significant other has a true love language of gifts, you should not ask them this question. Be intuitive, figure it our yourselves! Be creative, and do something loving...you'll be golden if it actually means something significant. I mean, someone could give me a stick and if it has a meaning behind it, I would cherish that stick for the rest of my life! (just saying) So...needless to say, in a busy family of 6 I was lucky to get a cake, and for some reason true happiness has always eluded me on my 'special' day. 

I'll never forget one fateful day when I was in 5th grade. It was the first Summer that we started early to school, and our first or second day landed on my birthday. You can't blame mom, because the other kids were just getting back to school too. 2 to college, and one a senior in high school. I'll never forget my exchange with her the evening before. I had envied the other kids in school my whole life because they always got to bring treats to school on their birthdays. I had never had that glorious opportunity to do the same.  Sure, they had that dumb day where we would celebrate 'summer birthdays' but I never got to experience the great joy of having the spotlight and impressing my peers. I wanted to take something that would knock their socks off. I wanted to take ice cream drumsticks. 

Now, I was a  smart little girl...I knew the price of each box, I had made sure to check the last time we were at Aldis. I knew the price per drumstick and I knew exactly how many we would need, with 3 left over for my family. I was certain that this was a sure-fire plan in getting exactly what I wanted. Except when mom said no. I was devastated to say the least. I was so mad at her. How dare she deny me my right to have the ONE thing I wanted for me birthday? Well, the next morning came and I was NOT going to be denied. I ran around the house, gathering as much spare change as I could find. Checking all of the usual spots that dad would empty his pockets when he got home from work. I ran to the country store, feeling completely dejected but needing a plan. I left the house without saying bye to mom, by the way. I got to school and not as proudly as I would have liked, went up to my teacher to tell her I had brought a 'treat.' In vain, we enjoyed our Tootsie Pops, me knowing I was a complete and total failure to the rest of the class.

It wasn't until that afternoon that the embarrassment truly set in. I have always had an enormous guilt conscious and I was feeling pretty sick by lunch time. Not only that but my mom, while I secretly stole money from around the house and bought tootsie pops in shame...went to Washington. Do you want to guess what she bought for me and my classmates? Ice cream drumsticks. But, we had already had my treat...not only had I stolen something, I now completely underhanded the outrageously kind thing that my mama had done for me. The ice cream didn't taste the same that year. Though, the 6 boxes did last us a long time at home.

This is just one of the many silly experiences I've had on my birthday. For some reason they were just never as special as I thought they should be in my head.

This year I wanted to be proactive in changing some of that. Around January, I found a post on pinterest that I kind of morphed into my own. In the post the family had a jar that they would write their favorite memories on from the week. Then on new years eve, they would get them out and read them, reliving the joys, laughing, and telling even more stories that came to mind. 

When I saw it, I couldn't help but wonder, "How much do I forget throughout the year that God has done in my life, simply because I don't write it down somewhere?" So I set out on a journey. Every time I remembered, I would write down the good things that God had done in me, or in my family. i would write of things He would speak to me or do for me. Verses that spoke life to me, testimonies of His goodness or healing, anything of significance would get written down and go in the jar. About 2 weeks in I found myself being more thankful for all of the little things that I had seemed to forget about in the past. 

I decided, that since in the past my birthdays haven't been 'all that amazing', I would read my testimonies on that day, focusing only on the good He had done and not my 'lack.'

I was really amazed at what I found. These were only from since January! I can't imagine how full it will be next year! Especially with how it's starting out. Good grief. I laughed, I cried, I marveled at what a mighty God we serve, and how good He is to His children.

I forgot to count them, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was one for every day. His goodness follows us everywhere. I never want to forget about that again.

When I started this, I knew there would be a second component. I never knew what that was, but I felt like I was supposed to burn these testimonies for a few different reasons.

1)Whenever you seal something, you use heat or fire. When they used the old wax seals on an envelope they would melt the wax before applying the seal. I felt like God was asking me to seal in all the good things that had happened in my 23rd year of life.

I was pretty amazed at how big some of the flames could get from one piece of paper. It reminded me that one testimony can keep us burning for a long time. 2)I felt like I was to burn these testimonies because they are now in the past. While God always wants us to remember His goodness, He does want to give me new testimonies for my 24th year.

We cannot afford to limit Him to the way He's 'always' done things in the past. He's God, and He wants to build in us line upon line, precept upon precept, taking us from glory to glory. If we only expect Him to show up the same way He's always shown up, we will miss what He wants to do now. Lastly, I spent some time in prayer and let the ashes blow away. This is a new year to trust Him. A new year to let Him be Lord and Savior of my life.

I realized as I'm typing this, that I think this is one of my first Birthdays away from 'home.' While there could have been a lot of temptation to feel alone and sad, the testimonies of my past allowed me to dream and believe for a future. This was something that I desperately needed....Happy Birthday to Me!

This 24th year has already set itself up to be a doosey. More on that to come. Who knows where it will take me. One thing's for sure....I'm gonna need a bigger jar.

Enough

Blogging? What's that? As much as I'd love to apologize for the lack of writing on my end, I think that if anything else was added to my plate right now there would be one crazy Lara running around Redding, as if I wasn't crazy enough already. ;)

I hardly ever do this, but I wanted to share a song that I literally just finished about 15 minutes ago. It's stiff, needs a lot of work, and is far from perfect but it is just so much what I sense a lot of people, especially my closest friends are walking through right now.

This week was a hard one for me, I won't lie or try to sugar coat it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out how to pull myself up. Sure, I was homesick, and sure I'm not necessarily loving my jobs at the moment but really nothing 'bad' happened at all that really should have triggered the intense battle that I've walked through in the last 5 days. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that internally I was dealing and contemplating with a question that I think every follower of Christ walks through in different levels throughout their lives-"Is He enough?" Now. I'm not talking, is God enough when things are good, but really, truly, deeply, is God enough for me to live the life I'm living? Is He able to meet not just my physical needs but my emotional and mental needs as well? When I have literally no one to turn to, when there seems to be no point to what I'm doing, is He sufficient? Is He worth everything?

I feel like the deeper our walk goes with Him, the more we will ask this. Every level deeper we go in our relationship, the more serious His kingdom is for us the more we will have to know...Is He enough? Is He worth it? Is He able?

While I haven't settled it completely in my heart, the best I can do is lean into Him, trusting Him with control and laying down my independence at the foot of the cross where Jesus paid dearly with His life as a shining beacon that yes, this God that we serve, He is sufficient for all our needs and He will pay any price for us to know it.

To everyone right now that is going through this same battle I pray and trust that Papa God will show and prove Himself strong for you. In the meanwhile, I pray that you will trust that He is enough. I am thankful that we serve a God that wants to be a part of our mess, that isn't afraid of our questions, and who longs for realistic relationship even when that means we have doubts and we struggle. Hold on, for like me, I believe daylight is coming for you as well. I'm in this for the long run, even when my feelings betray me, I will trust that He is enough.

This song is for you: Enough-Lara Hochstetler August 3, 2012
Will you be enough for me
Will you be my shelter so I can hide
Will you be enough for me
Will you be my comfort when I just can't understand
Will you be enough

Will you be enough for me
Will you hold me close when I can't stand on my own
Will you be enough for me
When my faith is weak and I can hardly hold on
Hold On

You are my hope when my courage has failed
You are my refuge through the storms
You are my joy when all colors have faded away
And through it all I'm amazed to find You're enough

Will you be enough for me
When my days are at their end
Will you be enough for me
When I breath my last, and we walk hand in hand

You are enough
You are enough for me dedicated to the late Lynn Swee