Full of anticipation. Full of frustration. Full of hope and curiosity. Full of mind bending questions. Full of motivation and focus. Exhausted, tired and unable to concentrate. Anxious. Impatient with American Culture. Settled. Connected with the Father in a more intimate way. Focused on being present here. Head stuck in the clouds dreaming about my future. Full of grace. About to fly off the handle if one more person talks ill about the Middle East. Inspired. Unable to express what's inside. Discontent. Full of delight in the smallest of things.
The last few weeks have been a slew of emotions. It's been a concentration of opposing feelings and experiences contending for my energy, vying for my heart and mind. There's been a tension that I've not experienced in quite a long time. Not just a tension between what I'm experiencing in my current season and what's to come. It feels like there's a tension in so many areas as God is challenging my norms, almost pushing me into more. He's drawing me away from what I've become comfortable with. I feel it in my personal life with relationships, in my hope and anticipation for a future family, my finances, within my capacity emotionally. There is a tension between where I currently am, what I currently have and what's to come.
In the midst of this at times it's hard to not feel like I'm completely losing it. Things that didn't used to bother me suddenly do, because suddenly there's a higher standard present. Things that I had never thought about before seize my heart and stir my passions. Yesterday I sat at my piano for the first time in months and played like I haven't played in years. It feels like there is no part of me that's being left untouched. There's a drawing in my heart for whatever it is that God has for me next, and yet I'm working harder than ever to protect that which He's already given me.
Tension is a subject that I just can't seem to get off of. There's no doubt in my heart that I've already internally started the transition from where I currently am to where I'll end up overseas. But I'm determined to do it right. I'm determined to steward what I have currently with grace and kindness, serving with all of my best and yet pursue hard after the future God has for me with passion and tenacity. But in the midst, there's always this tension and in the midst of the tension it's hard to feel like maybe I'm not stable in some way, that I'm messing up and not doing my best.
But today as I started writing...it dawned on me. It's a simple truth but it struck me. Even if a boat is anchored, it still sways in the waves. That doesn't make the boat any less secure than what it is.
Beliefs really are the most powerful weapon we have. It's our beliefs that cause our actions, our beliefs that turn into words and lifestyles. So in the midst of my transition, in the midst of the constant, conflicting emotions and thought processes I will work on this one thing that anchors us more than anything else; my beliefs. He is faithful. I am a good daughter. I will make good choices. I will position myself well. And as His child, I am set up to go from glory to glory.
No matter how crazy this stage of life turns out to be, it will be deeper and richer with Him. It will be full of His goodness. No matter how big the decisions and the conflicting emotions, no matter how big the bill is I am firmly anchored, swaying in the waves. If you're walking through transition or feel the this kind of tension today, remember that you are anchored. Protect your beliefs and be kind.
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