That Your beloved ones may be delivered.

So I've been challenging myself to write more honestly and vulnerably so here goes. Today was a hard day. This was the first day since making my trek to Redding that I started to question 'why'? 'Why am I here? What am I doing? What's the point? God. If I heard you correctly, where are you? Where are my connections? Where are my resources? I need to find a place to live, so where is that at? What am I using to pay for it? You've called me to nations, so how am I getting there? I miss my piano!'

I don't have many hard days. Quite frankly, I don't allow myself to. God is so big, and good and mighty, that I really find them a waste of my time and energy. But I also won't allow myself to not focus on being honest with Him. He's SO not afraid of our mess, our doubts or in my case, my crankiness at not knowing the future. And yet, I'm suddenly aware at how hidden I've tried to keep myself from Him in the past. Absolutely no more. I will no longer keep myself from Him. Things certainly don't get solved or accomplished when we hide our deepest emotions, no matter how messy they are.

I was walking down by the river this afternoon trying to process all that I'm walking through. Being thousands of miles from family, getting my life rocked by all the new things He's trying to inject into me, now trying to find somewhere to live, getting up at 4:00am after perhaps 4 hours of sleep if I'm lucky, 4 times a week. And then also trying to find my place in this wide, wide world. Anyone would look at me and probably say I'm nothing special. I'm 23, I'm single, I hardly own anything, and I have degrees in things that make absolutely no money. And yet, there is something huge pulling on my life. Something I can't even yet fathom.

As I sat on a bench watching ducks go nuts in the 70 degree weather (sorry Iowa!) I could feel the cool, calm voice that I always long to hear and that I especially needed in the midst of this crazy day, "What are you going to believe Lara? Who I say that you are? Or what your checkbook says? Who are you going to believe? The people that think they know you? Or me? What of your call? Have I not called you? Could anything be too big for a heart that's abandoned, and a God who's willing? So again? Who are you going to believe?"

This day, I choose to believe God.
This day I choose to look in the face on uncertainty and exercise my faith.
This day I choose courage. Not because I am able on my own. But because I know my God.
I'm trusting that He is going to show up in big ways in the next few days.
Are you?

"You have set up a banner for those who fear you, that they may flee to it from the bow. That your beloved ones may be delivered, give salvation by your right hand and answer us! With God we shall do valiantly; it is He who will tread down our foes."
Psalm 60: 4-5, 12

Thanks for reading, and caring and continuing to pray for me. The next month will be a big one for me.

-Lara-