Welp. I totally failed on my promise last week with no intentions of doing so. It seems that having 2 jobs, getting a house ready and trying to figure out who you are in the midst of God rearranging your whole life is quite time-consuming. But ALAS! I have a WHOLE day off tomorrow! (first time in a couple of weeks with no agenda) so I fully intend to write many more updates from Ireland tomorrow and then post them throughout the week.
I'm not going to lie, my last week was a hard one. It seems like there is a line between being busy and being so busy that you just feel yucky about yourself. I definitely crossed that line last week. It's not that you're a bad person, but you just have very little energy to really spend on anything besides surviving. I'm so glad that we serve a God that is full of second chances, grace, and compassion that would break the hardest heart. I'm so glad that in seasons like this He is so pleased even when we just simply acknowledge that He is with us.
For some reason God has been having me reread "The Shack" the last few weeks. It's a book that I really do love but I had already had about 3 other books started and so to be honest I thought, "Really? Another one that I probably won't finish?" And yes, it's taking me a lot longer to get through it than books I usually read. But it's been one of those, pick-it-up-to-just-read-a-chapter-and-completely-get-wrecked-and-owned-by-what-you're-reading-because-it-was-exactly-what-you-needed-in-the-moment type of books. Totally and completely set up by God. He is such an amazing pursuer and friend, always giving you exactly what you need, even when you don't know what you need.
To be honest, there were several times where this week I knew it would be easier for me to give up, pack up, and go back to Iowa. When you reach a point like the one I did this week, I think it's one of the clearest signs that you are about to break into a whole other realm. When the easiest option is to give up, it means that you are knocking down walls and taking unknown ground. This usually gives me motivation to keep breaking through, to keep pressing into Him to see whatever I'm breaking into completely fulfilled. This week, however, I was tired and I feel like this is happening in almost every aspect of my life. I felt almost too tired to remain hopeful, too tired to keep dreaming-something I do naturally. So I just put my hand to the plow, learning every day just a little bit more how to trust the process He has me in. Trusting that He is doing far bigger things in me and for me than I know how to do.
Getting back to "The Shack;" at one of my hardest moments this week I, of course, came across this quote which both helped me in the deepest ways possible, and also challenged me a whole lot in my small faith. I'm finding that happens with God-when He shares things with you it's to comfort, but also to propel you into a deeper relationship with Him.
"Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."
I was having such a hard time with trust this week, something that I normally don't struggle with as much. I realized this week that I still have no idea how much God loves me. How much, even in a week when I could hardly stand myself, STILL He loves me. He knows every part, even the parts I want to hide in a corner and show to no one, and still He loves me. He's crazy about me. And He's just as crazy about you! It's when we understand this fact that we can begin to trust Him. First in small things, then growing until we are completely assured of how well He holds our precious lives."
So, needless to say, last week is over and this week has begun. I'm learning to trust His love, trust His timing, and trust that He sees the order in this seeming chaos. I long to live every day in total trust of who He is as a good Father, as a provider, and as one who gives my life meaning and purpose. One day at a time, one step at a time, surely His love endures forever
L
(more ireland to come tomorrow, promise!)
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