'My Life is Christ' An update after 5 months in Redding

It's hard to process a life that is so full. Full of joy, full of pain, full of life, full of confusion. Full of love, hope and peace and full of chaos, a frantic pace,  and unanswered dreams. God's faithfulness in this season of my life in Redding leaves me breathless every time I think about it. When I look at who I was 5 months ago, or even a few days ago for that matter, I hardly know who I am any longer. The joy that I feel in seeing His perfect strategy of removing me from everything I've once known, is something that would leave anyone breathless. It's like He's had to remove me from all of the safety, or what I thought was safety,  to show me strengths that lie within. Strengths I would have never known I possessed if I wouldn't have moved here.

Redding has been a challenge, to say the least. I never would have dreamt when I moved here that I'd have the life I have now. And yet, I never would have dreamt that I could be doing the things I'm doing, living the life I'm living and be fully, completely happy. I've learned that if I'm trusted with something huge, like a house, I will work and fix it up to the best of my abilities. I've learned that when God's favor is on your life, you have crazy things happen to you-like an offer for a second job you'd never thought you'd enjoy. Also, that God's favor is never for yourself, always to give away which I enjoy giving to my beautiful ladies at my new job. I've learned that if you take everything away from me and drop me in a foreign place, I would be ok there. I've learned that in the middle of chaos, if you make yourself be quiet and listen to God, He will always be saying, 'It's going to be ok.' I've learned that if you're ever in need, God is the best Father, Friend, Provider, Brother, listener, and lover you could ever have or dream of wanting. I've learned that His dreams and ideas for my life are way bigger than my pea-brained mind can ever comprehend. I've learned that when faced with the choice to save-face and act like someone you're not in order to gain access or approval from people, you should always just be yourself-the issue is theirs, not yours.

I've also learned that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I see God's strategy singing over almost every area of my life except those things that I've held dear as my dreams in the past. Those things, still, are on hold. I thought when I moved to Redding I would have amazingly divine connections, see crazy things (which I have), and know where my life is heading. And in all honesty, the completely opposite has happened. God has taken everything and pretty much put it upside-down. Am I a musician? Will I ever write books? Will I travel the world, seeing Him show me unspeakable things, all for His glory? Will I ever get to camp again, and speak/encourage and equip youth to live and fulfill their destinies? Will I ever be able to host and encourage dreamers? Will I get the immensely HUGE honor of leading worship with God's precious body ever again? I had a thought yesterday that I've thought about before, but I don't know if I've ever really, fully walked through before like I am right now:
"If you're not willing to lay down something for the Kingdom's sake, then you're not going to carry it correctly and therefore, cannot be trusted with it". Sometimes God has to make sure that He knows that we have all of the things we need to carry something in and with character before He can release us into the fullness of what He has for us. It's like our pastor's always talk about out here, 'He will never give us something that will destroy, and ruin us. It's in His mercy that some times, He withholds certain blessings. Now, I'm not talking healing or anything like that, of course, but there are things that, if given pre-maturely will hurt us. I have no idea if that's what's going on in my life, neither do I know if what I've dreamed of before was in the right heart and if it was from God.
One thing I do know: It is my honor to serve Him in whatever capacity He gives me. I told Him long ago that I longed to give Him my WHOLE life, every moment, and every fiber. It is in this season, that I am showing Him. I find joy, where there previously was none. I find strength where my strength used to run out. I find peace even though I am battling far bigger/harder/greater things than I ever have before. And I find myself encouraging so many more than (embarrassingly enough) I ever had when I was 'in ministry.' I find myself being overwhelmed by His goodness in moments that I look at my checkbook and future and have NO idea where my life is going to go next. But most of all, for perhaps really the first time in my whole life, I enjoy being ME. Not because I think I'm better, stronger, or greater than anyone else...but because I am truly beginning to understand Papa God's love for me.
It is from here, from this love, that I long to change the world, that I long to mother nations, and see youth set free and released into their destinies. It is from this place that I long to release hope into the 4 corners, and see every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord.  It is from love that I long to write-down heaven and release it like honey into a hurting world. It is from this place that I know one day, sickness, darkness, and demons will flee because they can't stand the sight of Jesus in me. And it is from this place, this understanding of His love, that I am able to be here, be working 2 jobs that previously would have meant less than nothing to me, re-doing a house, trying (feebly) to help in ministry, and be doing it almost completely alone-with a joy that I have never possessed before. It is because of His love, that this season is what it is.

I love my life. As chaotic as it may be. As much as someone else would look at it and say it's nothing special or that I'm not 'doing much'. My life is everything, because my life is Christ.