Christmas and my Quest to Never Miss the "Seemingly Normal"

I confused a lot of people this past Sunday when I decided to put my Christmas decorations up and listen to Christmas music. Typically I am not an overhyped, Christmas fanatic and I definitely have been known to roll my eyes when people play Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Most of the time I'm just sick of it by the time Christmas actually comes and so I have been known to wait till the last minute to 'join' the Holiday fun. While I still hate commercial Christmas and the consumerism that has seemingly consumed people; I would be lying if I said that I haven't genuinely, myself, instigated Christmas early.

For the past 2 years I had the honor and the torture of working retail. I've seen people act more crazy than I thought was possible. I've been yelled at, sneered at and also, treated as a savior when helping people find gifts during this time. It is remarkable how close I was to just wanting to boycott Christmas altogether the last few years when thinking about Christmas being associated with the person who just walked away from me, having been so degraded simply because something was out of stock, which is totally out of my control.

And I literally almost cried when I found out that said retail store was opening at 6:00 pm on Thanksgiving day this year. I can't describe how sick this is. You see, when a store opens at this time, this means that most likely the people who unload and stock shelves will be there all night (we already were last year when we opened at 10pm) But then the people who have to set up all of the Black Friday (though now it's THURSDAY!) displays will most likely be working all of Thanksgiving day. So...no Thanksgiving for them. For me, this is a tragedy for Americans. We are teaching the next generation to devalue this day and the purpose of it. We are teaching them to replace being Thankful for all of the MANY blessings we've been given as a nation with consumerism, chaos, discontentment and displeasure. I've worked retail one Black Friday and it is literally the craziest thing I've ever encountered...and I've seen crazy things overseas.

Something is broken in our society. We are no longer teaching future generations the values of kindness, gentleness, thankfulness, patience, responsibility, etc. Sure, you might be within your home...but not society at-large. I don't mean to guilt anyone who goes out on Black Friday...that's not my intent. There are good deals. But think about what you're buying into, and think about how much you are encouraging these stores to just eat more and more into Thanksgiving. As I think about all of my co-workers who are still working retail, I just get sad. Sad that they will not have a Thanksgiving; many of them working just to get by and make ends meet for their families. More and more people are not getting holidays off simply to feed our consumeristic wants.

So, Christmas. I guess somewhere last year in the midnight shifts of retail I started losing the magic that Christmas brings. The wonder and the joy, the passion and the hope. Last year there were no decorations until December 8th. No presents bought, and no peppermint mochas until December 16th. I love giving gifts. I love dreaming about what I can do to bring someone joy and yet, I struggled last year just to get myself to a store. I guess this year I've just started to be determined to experience all that I know that God has for me in this very precious season. I don't want to miss the seemingly ordinary moments of beauty that He has set aside. I refuse to get caught up in all that Christmas shouldn't be (the consumerism)  and to focus in on the preciousness of what it is. A time to slow down, to celebrate deeply, to richly experience the preciousness of the gift that Jesus is to us.

When you think back to the birth of Christ...it was seemingly normal. He was born in a stable surrounded by animals to a probably poor family who was certainly disgraced because of Mary being pregnant outside of wedlock. Shepherds came. It was normal, if not a little pathetic. And yet, it was in this event that the very Savior of the world came to be with us. It was the most profoundly 'normal' moment that ever was.

Let's not miss any 'seemingly normal' moments in this Christmas season. Let's work to prepare our hearts for however He would want to encounter us in this time. Of course we work to do that in all seasons; but especially in this season let's take some time to just reflect on what it's about apart from the consumerism, apart from the business. Let's celebrate life. Not just His, but our own. If you have kids, take time to marvel in their little (or grown up) lives. If you have a job take the time to be thankful for what that's adding to your life. Let's not miss anything in this season...allowing ourselves to celebrate down to the last strand of tacky tinsel.

That's why my Christmas decorations are up. I'm working to rediscover the wonder, the joy and the delight we ought to feel as God's kids. I'm trying to slow down and to allow myself to be encountered by the reality that I am thankful for every seemingly normal and mundane moment. I'm thankful for my family, for the life I get to live. I'm thankful that I get to encounter Christ every day. I'm thankful for Christmas, and the rediscovering of it's beauty.

So as I sit drinking coffee, listening to Christmas music, staring out into the California "cold" I'm praying that this would be the most blessed Christmas season of your life. I pray that you would rediscover the wonder and the joy. The hope and the passion. I pray that you would be overwhelmed by God's goodness in every moment. And that you would truly be able to encounter His presence in the 'seemingly ordinary.'

Joy to the world! The Lord is come

Let earth receive her King!

Let every heart prepare Him room

And heaven and nature sing

And heaven and nature sing

And heaven, and heaven and nature sing

Joy to the world! the Savior reigns

Let men their songs employ

While fields and floods

Rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat, repeat the sound joy

No more let sins and sorrows grow

Nor thorns infest the ground

He comes to make

His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found

Far as the curse is found

Far as, far as the curse is found

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness

And wonders of His love

And wonders of His love

And wonders and wonders of His love

"Responsibility. What's that?"

It's Tuesday. I'm sitting on my couch, in sweat pants and the work that I'm supposed to be doing is sitting besides me in a nice, neat stack. This morning I've been successful in washing my sheets and blankets, cooking delicious food, updating my finances, writing a few emails, getting my winter clothes out and putting my summer clothes away (finally!!) and yet I feel like I've done absolutely nothing.

About an hour after eating lunch I started to feel the Lord wooing me to come away with Him, to read His word, and to just be before Him. I felt the urge to write because that tends to be one of the most powerful ways that I connect with Him. I am sick to admit it but my thought was, "Oh, but I need to be responsible and get my class work done. I have too much to do and it needs to get done. "In that moment, I heard the Lord ask, "But what are you responsible to?"

Ooo, dang. I wish that I could explain the conviction I felt at that moment. I am all about responsibility. It's actually a strength of mine, to be 'responsible.' If I say that I'm going to do something, I do it. When I don't do something to the standard that I know I can do it, I feel it and it haunts me at times. But since when did it become ok for me to not be responsible to obedience? Since when did I become 'too busy' or 'too grown up' to be wooed away by God, Himself? Since when did my own agenda become more valuable or validated than His?

I know that I have a job that I do have to do, that I have classwork that has a deadline but doesn't God know that? And isn't coming into His presence and encountering Him the most important and valuable thing that we will ever do in our lifetime and for all of eternity? It grieves me so much to say it, but in the midst of life I have to schedule times for Him, and it could never be enough. I do know and recognize that His presence is with us wherever we are, that we can encounter and talk with Him in every activity. But are we so busy that we miss the small whisperings or the special moments where He wants to tuck us up under the shadow of His wings and love on us, and encounter us?

There is nothing more important that I will ever do on the face of this earth; nothing of more value than to hear Him, to recognize His voice, and to respond to it in obedience. So today, I slowed down. I'm sitting on my couch, encountering His presence and trying with all I have to hear His voice. My work is sitting beside me, right where it ought to be...2nd in line. I am responsible to respond; to His voice, to His wooing, to His romancing and the moments He has set aside for us.

Slow down.
Take some time to ask these questions for yourself. And with no shame involved answer honestly. I pray that these questions lead you into a deeper encounter with the one who loves you more than you could ever fathom. May He woo you away, today, and may you allow yourself to be loved by Him. He doesn't want you just surviving...rushing from one thing to the next. He wants you thriving, and fully alive in a love relationship with Him. He wants to hold you, to beckon you to a freedom you can only dream of. Oh to be free, and oh to be "response-able" to Him.

Am I responsible to obedience? 
Or am I content to just do my own thing? 
Am I ok with making my own way and not to being in tune with Him in every moment? 
What is the balance of being free and the recognition that I cannot and do not want to do anything apart from Him? 
How does He try to woo me, and how have I missed it?
What does responsibility even look like to you, Lord?
What can I lay down and what is not mine to carry or do, that I have made mine to carry?

Mozambique 2015

To Africa!
As you all know, I am in my 3rd and final year at the Bethel School of Ministry in Redding, Ca. One important part of our experience, and for me personally is the opportunity to go on missions trips with 1800 other students from all over the world. The heart and passion of the Bethel Mission Trips Department is to see the sons and daughters of God in all the nations awaken to His goodness and love. As children of Heaven, we have access to His Kingdom and demonstrate His love, glory, and power in all aspects of society. Our strategy is to raise up a generation of world changers in their own nations to begin to run with their God-given inheritance to bring heaven to earth and transform their nation. This trip, through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM), ultimately reflects the vision of the Bethel Mission Trips Department.

This year, I am excited and honored to announce that I will be traveling to Pemba, Mozambique to serve Iris Ministries. Iris is an amazing ministry with bases all over the world. Established by Rolland and Heidi Baker; they focus on serving the poorest of the poor, establishing churches and training and discipling leaders. Since around April I have felt the need and desire to go see how Iris functions at some point before I begin my own journey in missions. Through prayer and discussion with the leaders of this trip, I decided that now was the time to do so. I am so excited to continue my missions experience here and am blessed to continue to serve Iris in a different and deeper way. (last year in school I helped in their office on their U.S. base, which happens to be in Redding)  Check out Iris Global at: www.irisglobal.net

Below is a short description of the trip written by our leaders:
“Love must look like something”, Heidi Baker. We will join Iris Ministries in Northern Mozambique, to bring transformation to a nation, one child at a time. We will stay at the Pemba base, home to the children rescued from the streets. We will feed, hug and hold the children, love the widows, travel to the bush bush, invest in local Pastors and encourage and lift up the local missionaries. This trip is about becoming a tangible expression of the love of the Father to the people of this nation.
My trip will take place March 18-March 31, 2015. I ask that you please pray for my team as we begin to plan and prepare our hearts for this journey. There are 22 of us including my leaders and we are from all around the world. This will be like no other trip I've ever been on as we will be traveling to the remotest villages and will be living without most common amenities. I'm excited to join with Iris' vision in bringing love to the hearts.

I appreciate your prayers and interest in this part of my life. I will be experiencing a lot of new things with vaccinations, malaria pills and all that comes with traveling to Africa. If you would like to partner with me in any way, please let me know. I would love to hear from you!

For the glory of His name,
Lara Hochstetler
larahochstetler@gmail.com

Financial gifts can be made online at https://missiontrips.ibethel.org. If you wish your gift to be anonymous, please check the anonymous box. This will allow you to receive an end of year statement, but will not allow the student to see your name. This is a non-refundable donation to the Bethel Church Missions Department for the benefit of the trip specified. 

(If online payment is not an option, check donations can be made payable to Bethel Church and mailed to the following address: Bethel Mission Trips Department, 915 Twin View Blvd., Redding, CA 96003. Please include a note with the donation designating which student’s trip you are supporting.)

You can also send checks to World Indigenous Missions:

World Indigenous Missions 

P.O. Box 310627

New Braunfels, TX 78131-0627

Make checks payable to WIM and write “Missionary 276” in the memo or give online at

worldim.com  or http://worldim.com/missionaries/hochstetler-lara/

-If you give through WIM please let me know so that I know to use the funds specifically for this trip. 



Why I'm obsessed with this word: Heritage

Well, it's another 'Heritage' Friday.

I love my Fridays. As many of you know Heritage is a local coffee shop which has incredibly good coffee along with a great environment. Heritage also happens to be something that I am completely captivated by. Not Heritage the coffee shop, but heritage-the thing in which my heart is obsessed. It started last Spring. I was in a season where I was working about 30-35 hours and doing school. I was exhausted and totally in survival mode. I felt like my emotions were always fried and my capacity for deep interaction with people was at an all-time low. I found myself frustrated with life even though I was seemingly living my dreams. I was living in beautiful northern California, going to an amazing school and church where the presence of God is like no where else I've ever been. Learning from amazing teachers, living with wonderful people. Having wonderful favor at work, minus great pay. But, to be honest I was miserable.

To make matters feel worse, I have an incredible standard that I hold myself to, and I was making myself miserable. For some reason it's perfectly fine for other people to be in process and make mistakes, but oh no not me. Also my environment wasn't really helping my already great dislike of myself. You see, in my culture it is not uncommon for people to pray for the sick and for them to be healed. I've seen legs and feet grow in front of my eyes. Felt backs pop back into place, cartilage pop back into being. It's also not uncommon for deep emotional needs to get healed, people delivered, etc. But last year during school? Nothing. I saw absolutely nothing.

One night I was at my assigned service and I was exhausted. The service was going long and my 4:05am alarm was set already for the next morning. I was about to leave when the leader asked us to gather around specific people to pray. To be honest I just wanted to sneak out but something made me stay. As I approached a man who was standing for prayer I asked the Lord, "What do I pray for? What do I possibly have to give that could have any effect on him?" I honestly didn't feel in that moment that I possessed one thing that could have any positive effect. In that moment, gently and sweetly I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "You can release to him your heritage." It was the seed I needed. I took my small seed and I laid hands on him. I started to release my heritage to Him, I started calling in every family member that wasn't in the fold of God. That man started weeping. I went to a woman and started praying for my heritage to be established within her family... the same response. I found out at that point that she had 2 children not following God.

Now, of course we don't measure things by people simply weeping but you could tell it deeply impacted the desires of their hearts. Over and over again last year after that I got to pray for people who had kids that weren't following the Lord. My dislike for myself was caused by a lack of seeing what it was that I had. I looked at myself and only saw lack. A few weeks later I was laying in bed, asking the Lord to show me who I was. It was the eve of my leaving for the Middle East for the 2nd time. I was questioning what I had to offer, what I had to give. I asked...and God responded. (I should mention here, that another thing I'm obsessed with is the idea of being in covenant not only with God but also being an actual covenant to the people)

"Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands with for his law. 'I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations, to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness." -Isaiah 42
-then a few weeks later in worship:
"Thus says the Lord: 'In a time of favor I have answered you; in a day of salvation I have helped you I will keep you and give you as a covenant to the people, to establish the land, to apportion the desolate heritages, saying to the prisoners, 'Come out,' to those who are in darkness, 'Appear.' They shall feed along the ways; on all bare heights shall be their pasture; they shall not hunger or thirst, neither scorching wind nor sun shall strike them, for he who has pity on them will lead them, and by springs of water will guide them." -Isaiah 49

I can't tell you how much that fueled me. I have something to give. I have something to do. And more than that, this is who I am! And for me, it centers around the heritage I've been given, the heritage I've stewarded and the heritage I am to 'apportion' and establish. That started a crazy journey. I started seeing the word 'heritage' everywhere; on signs, billboards, businesses, in books and always when I least expected it. This past summer I was in California, Arizona, Texas, Indiana, Iowa, then in New York and Ireland in September and I saw it multiple times in each place...and 2 of these places I was only in the airport!

Needless to say, God is stirring something deep within me. I guess the short of it is, I've been given my heritage to give it away. My hope is to see Kingdom heritage established wherever I am, and most specifically within the Middle East.

Heritage to establish heritage.

I'm totally enthralled. And while I will visit this topic again and expound on what I think it even means and what it looks like I just thought I'd give you a peek. This is who I am. A covenant to the people, just as Jesus was, to establish the land and apportion the desolate heritages. I think it's what all missionaries are called to be...but we'll save that for another blog, too.

What is the heritage you carry? And what does heritage even mean to you? I'd love to hear!
L

Psalm 111

Have you ever had a week where you feel like no matter how hard you try, and no matter where you look you are reminded of your depravity? You can plan and prepare, analyze and think about how to make things better but you always seemingly fall short? You're late, can't seem to fully engage even though you keep beckoning yourself to 'just be better already'? And the more you can't seem to live up to your own standard the worse you get, falling deeper and deeper into frustration and becoming more and more aware of the way you 'should' be and where you actually currently are.

Yep. That's been me. This week started like any other week. I had a beautiful list of all of my events set out in a row. I had my perpetual list of things to do and accomplish. My ducks were in a row and I was 'ready.' Until, I wasn't. There's been no astounding event that has caused me to disconnect. No 'monster' has showed up to steal my motivation. And yet, I don't want to do anything. And when I do do something it feels totally and completely inefficient. It feels drab and underwhelming. Even this blog is starting to become a nuisance...

And in the midst of it, I have begun to question who I am, who I'm becoming, even my sanity at times. When you're handed who you're not and it's in your face in every moment, how do you respond? I can honestly say that I have not done well-I have just wanted to curl up in my bed and eat ice cream all week.

It's been a week, that unexpectedly, and for seemingly no reason has brought me face to face with my human-ness. I am a human. I make mistakes. I am broken. Even when I have all of my affairs in order I can do nothing apart from the perfect one. Human organization, reasoning and analysis can only get me so far. I am really good at self-management but this week has reminded me that He is the author of that, not me. He should have the pen of my every moment and unless He's running the show I will always come to the end of myself.

But when I am anchored in Him, even when I'm at the end of myself, I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all that He is. Why do I so easily forget this? Today, I pray that if you are feeling overwhelmed at the lack that you see in yourself, you will begin to become more fully aware of all that He is not just for you, but in you. His character is unchanging. He is always fully engaged, He is always for us. Perfect in nature, perfect in every way. And even when we don't feel we can trust ourselves, He is completely trustworthy.

Though I forgot this throughout this week, usually ending in frustration at myself for not being 'better,' I am beyond thankful for the passage below. If anyone knows me, they know I see 1's everywhere I look. I always know when it's 11:11 or 1:11 because I see that time everyday, every time it shows.

Well, this is Psalm 111. It's mine, but I'll let you access it for the day. ;) This is the passion version. As you read it over yourself, let the fact that God's character NEVER changes wash over you. Allow the passage to effect you in every area of lack you've been experiencing. Because we are humans. We are going to have moments where we are fully aware of how far we have yet to go. In those moments, are you going to beat yourself up? Or are you going to fall into the never-changing, everlasting arms of the one whose love for you knows no bounds?

"He satisfies all who love and trust Him 
And He keeps every promise He makes. 
He reveals mighty power and marvels to His people 
By handing them nations as a gift! 
All God accomplishes is flawless, faithful and fair; 
And His every word proves trustworthy and true.
They are steadfast forever and ever,
Formed from truth and righteousness.
His forever-love paid a full ransom for His people
So that now we're free to come before Jehovah
To worship His holy and awesome name! 
Where can wisdom be found? 
It is born in the fear of God. 
Everyone who follows His ways, 
Will never lack His living understanding! 
And the adoration of God 
Will abide throughout eternity!"

I'm trying to rest in this today. My emotions still want to beat me up, but I will let these words nourish me instead.
God, thank you that in the midst of our instability you are completely stable. Thank you that you know and understand our humanity and that you don't call us to be perfect but holy. Set apart unto you, and just simply obedient. Help us to release ourselves from the pressures that we put upon ourselves to be righteous because it's you who makes us righteous. We love you and we want to make you known in the earth, help us to recognize that you are the author and perfecter of our faith. Thank you that you delight in us, and that we are free from the power of shame that would try to suck us into thinking that we can never be good enough. 

Thank you that you are stronger and greater and that I get to come to you when I'm feeling great and when I've just had a week like this one. Amen

Here's to a new week.

"Who Knows?"

Last night I was looking through some of my old posts...I was on my brother's Facebook and for reasons I cannot possibly understand other than God wanted me to see it, I happened across something I wrote what seems like a lifetime ago. 

May 12, 2010:
I should be doing my calvinism vs. arminianism homework but I just can't get myself to do it. There's something much more important going on in my heart tonight.

What's been eating at me all night is a passage that David Perkins talked about tonight at _tag tonight. It comes right after David's been confronted by Nathan after he sinned against God by having Uriah killed and getting Bathsheba pregnant. Nathan said that no matter what Bathsheba and David's first child would die. After Nathan said this David went into an intense time of fasting and weeping for the child's life. He would not take food or even get up off the ground for 7 days! When the child died however, he got up, cleansed himself and ate. His servants were very confused as to why David would mourn for the child while it was still alive and yet not mourn for it after it died.
To this David replied,
"While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me, and the child may live.' But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

Who knows?
Man, I wish I had faith like that. You see in those days Nathan was the very mouthpiece for God. What he said was final. And yet David shows that he is a man of great faith, for when he hears the baby's fate he still gets on his face before God and pleads with him for the baby's life because, "Who knows? Maybe God will be gracious to me."

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't starting to worry about what's next for me. I feel like God brought me here to Colorado for specific reasons and specific purposes. But now I'm less than 3 weeks from graduation and I have no idea what's next. SO it struck me tonight, this one little tiny phrase..."Who knows?"

Who knows? I could lead worship in a church for the rest of my life or I could never touch a piano again.
Who knows? I could travel the world or I could live in the midwest, being the best wife and mother and never see an airplane again.
Who knows? I could write a best selling novel that inspires the next generation to finally dream again or I could write a picture book that only my grandkids see.
Who knows?

One thing is for sure. Our God is Faithful.

So, SO freaking faithful. And therefore, I have nothing to worry about. All of the options suddenly become exciting again and not something to stress out about. I know that in God's perfect timing I will know what's next. I will know where I'm supposed to go. I will know eventually who it's supposed to be with. It's resounding in my soul so I'll say it once more...
Faithful, OH so faithful is the Lord on high. With Him ANYTHING is possible, so 'Who knows'?


Now, I shortened this version but the truth remains. Last night this totally gripped me, yet again. I had just made a list of all of the 'added' cost that I have coming on my plate this next month and though I would like to say I was making that list in faith-I totally wasn't. After reading this post though, I can't help but think, "Who knows?" Why not ask for crazy things? Why not dream excessively? Because, "Who knows?" Our God is so much bigger than we give Him credit for a majority of the time and He is definitely someone we can TRUST. 

Do you have a 'baby' that you're pretty sure you know the fate of? Have you doomed yourself and stopped asking for things that seem impossible? I do understand and see that David's child did, in fact die. But I wonder what David's heart would have been doing if He wouldn't have asked. Regret? Shame? Anger? Self-abuse? We will never know because David knew...there was hope. He anticipated good. In what ways have you stopped asking, and why have you? Because "Who knows?"

And sure enough...today as I was typing this God crossed off the biggest cost on that list. He does know, and He is good. He's not threatened by our petitions, He's not overwhelmed by our questions. Maybe He's waiting for you to ask. 
-Lara-

Praise for Heaviness

Heavy.
If I had one word to describe my last 2 weeks, it would be heavy. Though I am absolutely loving everything I'm doing, everything I'm learning and the people around me-everything I've been doing has felt heavy. It's like I've been walking through muck. This probably has nothing to do at all with my circumstances and everything to do with the fact that I can't seem to get 2 nights in a row that I actually sleep. It's crazy how lack of sleep can make everything feel so much worse than it actually is.

So. For this blog I've decided that I need to do or write something that's not heavy. We'll see how it goes...

Gratitude has this way of disarming things that seem to be threatening our growth or current circumstances. Gratitude has this way of taking our focus off of what's not happening and placing it on the extravagant things that are happening. Gratitude, I believe, is one of the things that our generation is missing on a fundamental level, and may just be the key to us becoming all that we want to be.

So, come on a journey with me. Think of your life right now, and no matter how 'bad' things feel work to look for the things you can and should be outrageously grateful and thankful for. Make a list and cultivate it in your life every day. I think you will be amazed and surprised at the dreams you are currently living out that you didn't even know you had. I know I am living out some things that I wouldn't have even known to ask the Lord for to begin with...but that's another blog for another time.

Let's cultivate gratitude.

Today...I am beyond grateful for:

• My love for really good coffee and people that make it for me.
• Beginning to put legs to my dreams concerning mission work
• my brain; the way I think, organize, strategize and even obsess over certain things. I am learning that I love the way that I think and that when I use my mind under the leadership of the Holy Spirit it is a powerful tool. 
• Being able to serve a Father at my church. I am learning so much just watching, observing and interacting with Paul
• My beautiful mission agency who loves so well, asks all of my questions and gives such beautiful covering.
• How the lord is providing in interesting, though unpredictable ways. The fact that for the first time in my life I don't have a physically taxing job that hurts my body. That though I have the lowest amount of income I've ever had, I still have enough to pay bills and eat well.
• My crazy awesome, incredibly talented fellow intern team. I mean, we are the dream team and could probably conquer the world with our gift mixes. Just saying.
• The power of healthy confrontation. It is so good for us to grow deeper through confrontation and holding 'accounts' for our abilities. It's uncomfortable but I am so thankful that God is teaching me to voice needs, concerns and to go to a deeper level with people. 
• My family...the promises we are walking into and even that there is nothing that can keep us away from each other.
• Getting to go to beautiful places.
• Friends who love to walk excessive miles and talk excessively while doing it. 
• Having a Christmas coming up that I will NOT be working retail for. (PTL!)
• My inherited ability to be able to bake, cook and create in that way....food should NOT be boring.
• Resounding hope that never stops because it is anchored in eternity.
• IT'S FINALLY FALL!
• The ability to grow, and God's grace when we get it wrong.
• My Swiss sister and our Saturday Skypes. She is constantly challenging me to be better and loving me when I'm not better. 

These are just a few of mine today...what are some of yours? It seems silly but I just feel like it's so necessary. For me, it's all too easy to constantly see what's not right, to see what I'd love to be different or to change. But today, may you see the potential everywhere because you see all the things that you are blessed with. 

I kind of view it as beauty for ashes. I know God is the one that exchanges beauty for ashes in our circumstances but I think it's time that we (and I'm talking to ME!) stop focusing on the 'ashes' of our lives, and start to focus on the beauty. Let's see the beauty and know that the ashes aren't too big for God to overcome. Let's exchange our heaviness for Praise. Let's be thankful and grateful for what is and continue to go on a journey trust Him for what is not yet.

Let's be overwhelmed not by heaviness, but by gratefulness today.

Blessings,

Lara

I submit.

I’ve been doing a lot of planning lately. Planning my own schedule is something I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do, at least not fully. I’ve always had a consistent job, school, church obligations, etc. And now, besides 2 meetings every week I can do whatever I want to, whenever. I’ve been absolutely loving it, finding so much joy and freedom in being able to pursue whatever I’d like to in the best parts of my day. Sleep works wonders for the soul and most of the time though I work on things for 8-10 hours a day, I don’t feel as though I’ve worked at all.

It’s a joy, and yet every night I have a deeper and deeper revelation that I can’t plan my way out of a paper bag. Administration is one of my strongest gifts and I love to create structure…I’m a builder, organizer and creator by nature. Details are something I can’t not see…trust me, I’ve tried (anal is the word that comes to mind). So it’s not that I’m not good at planning, it’s just that without this great big gift submitted the one who’s given it, it yields absolutely nothing of value.

It’s funny and sad at how often we forget what's important in the kingdom. I am sad to say that there are so many days that I’ve administrated myself right out of having to love people, out of sacrificing my energy and time to care for those around me. I get so busy with 'stuff' (that might be important) that I forget that the kingdom is all about people, not tasks.

In a previous blog I wrote about the fact that I am the biggest and deepest dreamer I know. I have crazy and extravagant dreams and this is one of the first seasons of my life that I’ve had time and energy to begin to put my attention on making them a reality. But, without this beautiful gift in full submission to the one who owns it, excellence can quickly turn into criticism, cynicism and an overwhelming sense of seeing every detail that is wrong with anything. But under submission, oh, what a beautiful thing. Building structures to house and sustain His glory. Putting feet to dreams, excellence, etc.

No matter what your giftings, may we all work hard to use them with wisdom and in full submission to the one who gave that gift to begin with. It’s not enough to simply submit our weaknesses to Him, we must submit all of who we are-especially the parts of us that we think are strong.

I came across a prayer that I wrote out a few years ago. While it’s simple, I was struck by the profoundness of how I need to pray this even more now that I am actually coming alive and able to use my strengths. For most of my life I’ve seen God’s power because I was operating in areas of my personal weaknesses, but now that I am hitting my stride like never before…I recognize my need for Him even more in every moment.

I submit to your timings.
I submit to your knowing.
I submit to the control of your Spirit.
I submit my dreams and longings, all to your will for the glory of your name.
I submit my heart; it's aches and its joys.
I submit my mind; every thought and perception.
I submit my whole self to you, oh God, a willing servant to the cause of your kingdom. 
Every breath, every tear, every word and song shall ever be written for eternity.
This is my sacrifice, the only thing good enough to give; here's my life.
Amen.


I am profoundly humbled, more vulnerable than ever with my strengths showing because without Him in authority over them, I could never be enough. But when fully submitted, it will beautiful to watch His strength being expressed through me.

L

Where are we Going Again?

This one is written for all of my friends, the ones that find themselves in seasons where they often find themselves asking the Lord, "So, where am I going again?" Perhaps it's just my personality and the way that I function, but I find it hard to give of myself, my time and my energy if I don't see the bigger picture and purpose. If I don't see how this is having a positive effect, or how it is taking me to where I want to get to at times it could be tempting to feel like I am doing nothing 'of value.'

But the fact is that we are not on the way to a perfected destination; to a perfect place, job, ministry, or personality. Rather we are on a journey towards a person, and His name is Jesus. He longs for us to be as close as possible to Him, with no space in between. I guarantee that if we live our lives with our pursuit being solely towards Him, we will live a life that is full. A life that is beautiful and accomplishes more than we ever could with our best energy in pursuit of 'all that he has for us.' Tell me, how can we know what he has for us, if we are not pursuing him relentlessly?

This way of thinking has revolutionized my life. I have always been a destination person. I felt, when I was in high school that my life would be so much better when I got done, graduated and moved on. I felt that when I was in college that once I was married that I would feel a sense of fulfillment, and deeper joy. I felt that once I was out of college, if I would find a job where I was actually using my skill set and getting paid well then I would know that I was on the right track. I felt like once I was in Redding my life would make so much more sense and I would know where I was going with every plan and purpose mapped out.

That's just silly, I know, but how many of us live like this? We ask little kids, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' I love this because I am a huge fan of dreaming and dreamers, I have not met a bigger one. But I never, ever want to put any pursuit or any dream above the simple dream of pursuing Him at any cost, and the desire to be as close to Him as possible. He accomplished everything on the cross, and did so so that He could dwell within us. But it is still our choice daily to pursue Him in all that we do and to realize that as we do that, we are doing the most valuable thing that there is.

And as we pursue Him, we watch as our dreams come true. We watch as things click into alignment for us in ways we'd never expect and watch as we stop underestimating His power in us and through us. I wonder how many of us are in seasons that frustrate us simply because our focus is totally wrong?

I have decided that for the rest of my life, He is my ultimate pursuit. This has refocused me, humbled me, made me repent, and made me come alive in a completely new way. We are on a journey toward a person do not allow any dream or circumstance to overtake that awareness.

All else will fade away. He will remain.

L

The Great Motivator

I've heard people say that fear is a powerful motivation for change.

In the past few weeks I've been in a place where I've been made aware of how much I would love to see change both in my external and my internal world. And yet....this statement makes me laugh. For true and powerful change I cannot think of a worse motivator than fear. Fear of the lord, perhaps, but certainly not any other kind of fear.

Today, as I was processing through a bit I had a really deep revelation, one that has begun to wash over me like warm oil in the deepest parts of my heart, mind and emotions. I'm entering a season in which every single thing I'm facing is absolutely new. I am starting an internship, starting training for missions work, and I have no job with bills that pretty much I cannot pay....and yet, I realized I have no fear of what's to come.

Have you ever had crazy situations like that? Where you should be totally petrified, but yet you're not at all? Like not even an ounce of fear? For me, those are some of the most powerful moments that show me that not only is God real, but He's very near, and very kind. He is so good to us.

This made me think of a few verses that He's been pounding into me in this last season of life:
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" (Psalm 27:14)
and again,
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!" (Psalm 31:24)

Such a simple command and yet profound...at times, we have to LET our hearts take courage. If God feels the need to remind us to do this...it must mean the opposite is true. It isn't circumstances or even the forces of evil that cause us to fear...it's US allowing ourselves to fear. If we have to let our hearts take courage and be strong, we must be the ones that allow ourselves to fear and be afraid. I realize that there are powerful things that happen, but the choice is always still ours.

Could we have the strength and courage to stop worrying, to stop stressing over burdens that are not ours, over things that do not matter and just turn into Jesus? Could we just run to His refuge and actually believe that He really is enough? What would Christians talk about if we didn't pass worry and fear off as prayer points, caution or even wisdom?

But that's a whole other blog for another time...bringing this back into my journey of the day. I realized today that fear is a terrible motivator. I'd like to suggest that we readjust ourselves towards His kindness. If Romans is true and it's 'His kindness that is intended to lead us to repentance'...then surely this means that His kindness will cause us to make the best of decisions.

God's kindness is the best motivator. That's my statement today, the whole point of all of this blabbing. I hope, that for those of you who are in the midst of change, which is pretty much everyone I know, that you will find your purpose, your motivation, your courage within His kindness. If you are motivated by that, how can you choose wrong?

If you've been struggling with fear, or have fallen into a place where you have passed it off as 'normal' repeat and declare this prayer over yourself:

Father, I allow myself to feel freedom from any unnecessary load that I feel I need to bare. I extend grace, not only to others but to myself. Oh lord, keep me from passing any blame to anyone, even myself for my feelings. 

And oh lord, help me to treat myself with the kindness of heaven. The kindness that nourishes us, that makes us alive to your beauty and love. The kindness that heals even the deepest of hurts. The kindness that protects our already-secure identity that is found in your eyes. 

I choose your kindness, this day, as my motivation towards change and towards hope. I choose this day to allow my heart to take courage, knowing that you are able to take care of any mistakes I may make. 

Fear is but a shadow of what could be if you have the courage and strength to look beyond the vail. It is my prayer that we, as Christians, in this season of our lives will live in the fullness we can have for the sake of the lives we are meant to influence.

L

Awaiting Adventures

I am settling back into life here in very hot, sunny California! I have had an amazing summer, with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my family, church family back in Iowa and many friends. It has been such a blessing and time of refreshing.

I started my Summer, as you know, training with a missions organization called World Indigenous Missions (WIM) out of New Braunfels, Tx. WIM’s mission is “Discipling the Nations to reach the world.” They are a small missions organization and really are a big family. While I am officially a WIM missionary I will continue to do my pre-field training for them throughout the year including taking the perspectives course online. When I am done with pre-field training I will look for a place to do my on-field training with an already established missionary. When that is done and I feel released to do so I will be off to language school.

I have a long-term goal of working in the Middle East. While I don’t know the exact timing of that, or what I will be doing, exactly, it is where my heart is and it is a place that is desperately in need of light. It is my belief that the Middle East’s best days are in front of her and I will do whatever I can to help fulfill the great commission in that region of the world.  As you look all over scriptures, you see that the Lord will be known and exalted all over the earth and I am thankful for the part that I get to play in that.

Myself and the 5 others that trained with WIM this year. They will serve in Africa, Palestine/Israel and Central America.

This year I will continue to help Jim and Brenda VanWinkle with their ministry Bespoken International; which works primarily in leadership training and ministry in Ireland as well as the fact that Brenda is an author. I help them with some office needs as well as ministering when we travel. Brenda and I are actually travelling to Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland 2 weeks from tomorrow! This is primarily why I wrote today. We will be in the Belfast September 4-8 attending and participating in a conference that is for all the Celtic Nations. (The Gathering of the Clans) We then will travel to the Republic September 8-15 to meet and minister with several groups of people and individuals.  Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to go and as we travel. Also, please pray that all costs will be taken care of on this trip.

Upon return from Ireland I will be jumping straight into my 3^rd year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I will be interning this year with one of my pastors, Paul Manwaring. I don’t know what that will all entail yet but I know that God has good things in store. I have opportunities to travel with him, as well, this year and am praying about which trips to pursue.

This year is filled with opportunities and I am so thankful for everything that God has put in front of me. While I know I have a lot of hard choices to make, I am excited about the adventure. Thank you for being a part of my story and my life. God is up to so many good things in the world, and what an honor that we get to be a part.

In Him,

Lara

To give through WIM:

Make checks payable to:

World Indigenous Missions (or WIM)

PO Box 310627

New Braunfels, Tx 78131-0627

I am Missionary #276 (put in memo line or on a note with the check. DO NOT put my name on the check)

(I have envelopes available)

Or give online at:

www.worldim.com

There are several ways you can keep up with me this year as I adventure. 

-Email me:

larahochstetler@gmail.com

-Read my Blog:

http://thejourneyoftrust.blogspot.com

Twenty Six and Time for a New Level

If there is one thing that I know, it's that trust certainly is a journey. No matter how confident we become in our relationship with the Lord He is constantly drawing us deeper and further in. As I like to put it, He longs for there to be absolutely no space between us. He wants to be as close as possible in every aspect of our lives. We all know that He's done His part, that's why Jesus came and why He left us the most precious gift ever given in the Holy Spirit. But, we as humans are bombarded with things; choices, circumstance, illness, the news; all of which can distract us.. And if we are not in the practice of renewing our minds, consciously being aware of His presence in every moment and not allowing ourselves to get too busy we unfortunately allow distance to come in-between us and the most important relationship that we have. I'm certainly guilty of this.

In different seasons of our lives, trust will certainly look different and as we grow stronger in faith more is demanded of us. Not demanded in a harsh, dictator sort of way but because if our relationship is healthy, we will long to give God more and to not withhold anything from Him. We will want to make decisions with Him, as He would make them. That's the way love works, is it not? If you totally trust someone, aren't you willing, out of that love, to do anything to protect, value and strengthen that relationship? We don't grow in trust because we have to perform for His love, but rather, we grow in trust because no matter what we do, the Lord is constantly proven trustworthy. He is always proven faithful. Who wouldn't want to eliminate the space that exists with someone who is love Himself and has proven Himself over and over?

And yet, it's a journey. It's a constant choosing, often against every emotion in our body to say 'yes' and to trust against every circumstance, every emotion and often times the doubts of those closest to us. I want my life to sing a constant and consistent 'yes' to Him. I have for the past 3 years asked myself, "What can He do through someone who is simply willing?" I think I have yet to see most of the answer to that question, but I do know this: groundwork is being laid in my life that I know cannot be shifted easily by circumstances. No lack of money or resources can withhold me from trusting a most trustworthy Father. And despite any fear or doubt...I am certain that because I am pursuing Him, ground is constantly being taken for the kingdom.

The last year of my life has been a wild one. This day last year feels like a moment ago, a blink of time and yet as I process my 25th year I see that it has grown me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. I have done so much when the temptation all year I felt was the belief that I was doing so little. I have travelled more than a lot of people do in 5 years; ministering to people I never dreamed I could, I have completed my 2nd year of ministry school. I survived working 25-35 hours a week while doing school. I have joined a mission organization. I quit my job. I've made a lot of life decisions that should have been very hard, and yet...they really weren't. It's amazing how decisions that could rattle us don't any longer when we understand where our lives are, which is in the palm of His almighty, trustworthy, faithful hand.

But this is my journey, and your journey is going to look different. The Lord probably isn't asking you to quit your job, or give your life to minister to others, though He might be. He might be asking you to raise your family, to work and gain resources and favor. He might be asking you to take a risk and talk to your neighbors, to influence the school systems, to be faithful where you are. No matter where you are, He is asking you to trust Him in a deeper way, and in a deeper capacity. It's time we go to another level, all of us. Not because we have to, but because He's inviting us to an even greater place in relationship. As I look to start my 26th year of life I challenge you, and myself to pursue an even greater level of trust understanding that it will be another journey. A journey that will surely take us closer to His heart....

In every moment, let us resolve to trust Him...at times warring against the fear we feel and any doubt. Is He not faithful? Will He not do exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine? Is He not worthy of our trust? Let's look at life square on in full confidence that He is who He says He is. Let us pursue Him with the knowledge that we are completely loved, completely valued and completely believed in. Let's do this.

Let's show the world what people who trust the Lord unreservedly look like.

L

"Just" a song.

So I had posted this on July 23rd...or so I thought. My apologies for anyone who had tried to read it but couldn't. Now here it is! 


This song. 

I just can't stop singing it. I know it's not perfect. I know my voice is less than amazing and impressive. I know I use the same chord structure over and over. I know I have recording equipment that is...well, an ipad. But, goodness...it's just where I am. I can't stop singing it. I won't ever stop singing it.

I'm so glad that God makes beauty out of ugly. That He makes clean and pure out of dirt. He is so, ridiculously good to us. His grace really is sufficient for us. And His grace is completely scandelous. It makes me love Him more, it makes me want to live pure and holy...set apart unto Him. It gives me courage and hope to live in a way that may not make sense to anyone else...a life that I know pleases Him. 

In weeks where I feel like I've failed, or in times when I feel like my life isn't moving forward or like I have nothing to 'show' or 'prove' my worth, or my successes; I am reminded that Jesus is the one that gives me all of that. Kingdoms may come and go, but He never passes away. And as I told my church this week; I, in myself have absolutely nothing to offer. I cannot give you anything, but I have the one who has everything. I know the one who knows all things...I can offer you that-and that is the most beautiful gift anyone could offer. 

This song. I cannot stop singing it. And I pray I never do. No matter the wisdom I gain. No matter the awards. No matter the spotlight. No matter all of my accomplishments, or lack thereof:

I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.

I give it all to you God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

There's nothing I hold onto.

My heart is wide open to you.

https://soundcloud.com/unrestedrejoice/enough
(click this if you want to hear it)

Another Book Altogether.

Tomorrow I get on an airplane. For those of you that know me well, you know how excited I am. Anything that could be classified as 'out of the ordinary' or 'adventure' makes my heart sing. I've always joked about how I could live out of a suitcase because it means that I'm doing something that includes adventure and this Summer I get to do just that...though it doesn't necessarily look like 'adventure' on the outside, I'm gearing up for what doesn't just feel like a new chapter in my life, but rather, an entirely different book altogether.

Tomorrow I get on an airplane. First I fly to Texas to do what I feel like is perhaps the craziest thing I've ever done. No, I know Iowa mamas, flying to the Middle East is much crazier than flying to Texas. And yes, speaking to strangers, including Turkish Gipsies by the Mediteranean that want to read my palms is odd, but tomorrow I fly to Texas to begin training as a missionary. Even still mentioning it makes me get those nervous, sweaty palms you get...you know the ones I'm talking about? The ones you get as you step up to the free throw line at a critical point of a basketball game. Or the ones you get before you grab the microphone to speak. It's like pure anticipation and excitement mixed with terror and the fleeting thought of, 'what the heck am i doing?' 

And yet, as I prepare, as I've been packed already for 2 days, I can't help knowing in the deepest part of me that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and that I am FINALLY beginning to do what I was made for. I am at my best when I am living for others. Most of my life I've felt like a round peg trying to find my slot, all of which I tried ended up being a little square. They were all similar; same color, same feel, but just not exactly the right fit. I don't apologize for taking this long to figure out what I was made for, each ministry I've been a part of, each life experience, each moment of school has been necessary in getting me here. God truely does waste absolutely nothing.

But here I am, getting ready to adventure and explore what it means and looks like to do missions as a vocation. I have been looking for something and someone to give my life to and for...I am so thankful and so grateful that I have finally found it. I know that we never 'arrive' at an ultimate platform, but I feel like I've been climbing a long time, and perhaps I'm due for a little respite. I know that I will spend the rest of my life becomming fully what I'm called to, but I know that it really begins here, with this step. My heart could burst and there's those sweaty palms again. 

I love the Middle East. I love her people and I love the potential there. I love how God loves that region and I am so outrageously honored that I would be a part of what He wants to do there in her future. I love Ireland and am thankful for the coninued role I get to have there partnered with some beautiful people to me-whatever that looks like. I won't be able to explain to you how I know that this is the call on my life, neither do I feel like I have to explain it anymore. I just know that these regions have so much promise and I want to give my life to being a part of it. I want to live and be Isaiah 42 and 49 to these people.

And as I ponder getting on a plane tomorrow I think of my parents, of all of the people who have made it possible for me to be where I am today, and the person I am today. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, knowing that there are some victories that do not belong to me, but those who have laid down so much for me. Their sacrifices will ring into eternity and into the Middle East forever. This is just the beginning of becoming alive in a totally different way. The level of vulnerability I'm feeling right now, as I begin exploring this part of my heart that I've never explored before fully is astounding...hence the sweaty palms. But you know, the anticipation makes me thankful for every moment of preparing...makes me grateful for every experience I've had. And instead of dreading or being afraid, I know I will get on that plane with a smile, knowing that it's not only exactly where I'm supposed to be, but exactly where I want to be. 

Let the new book begin.

Just some practicals of my Summer/life:

I will be training with an organization called World Indigenous Missions for the next week. You can read more about them at: http://www.worldim.com 

After that I will fly to L.A. to spend some time with a dear friend there and then I will be flying back to Iowa to be with friends and family and working until the beginning of August. I will then be flying back to Redding to do my 3rd year Internship at Ministry school here. 

L

"For those in the Hallways"

"When one door closes, another one opens." I wonder how many times we've heard that saying. 

It's interesting how many times we as Christians find our selves in the hallway standing just outside of the door that has just shut in front of us. As we look up and down the hallway we can clearly see the door that has shut in front of us, but way on the other end of the hall, what seems like 5 light years away we see not a door, but a veil. We know in our hearts that there is a door behind that veil, a door with far more than the one we just came out of, but in our heads it makes no logical sense as to why we couldn't have stayed in the previous room with it's air conditioned climate and cushioned couches. While we know that our best days are in front of us, and while we know that it was clearly The Lord that drew us out of our comfort and out of what has been known in the past, there is a part of us that has a hard time trusting that there is more for us and there is an even larger part of us that doesn't want to go through the dreaded 'process,' to get to that 'more'. 

But what if we had a different application of the word hope? What if we, every day, worked hard to remind ourselves of the promises and of the words that The Lord spoke to us in secret that got us out here in the hallway to begin with? I was talking to a friend yesterday about hope, about how I don't want to just feel hope. I long to get to a place where hope dictates all that I do because if I am completely overwhelmed by the joyful anticipation that something good is going to happen, I will constantly be moving towards seeing every promise I've gotten from The Lord fulfilled, won't I? 

Let me give you an example: I start training in a few weeks with a missions organization. I am passionate about the nations coming to know the fulness and the glory of The Lord and The Lord has given me several promises about my role. I believe the biggest way I will minister overseas and just in my life in general is through family. Family is one of my biggest passions and I believe that is is the most profound and impactful way to show the world the kingdom and our Heavenly Father. If I just felt hope for my future I would be tempted to sit at home, waiting for God to come to me, waiting for Him to open all of the doors, and consequently, drag me down the hallway so I could get to the doors to begin with. While feeling hope is great it doesn't really get us to act upon the promises that God has given us. 

But I long to be overwhelmed by hope, making it my lifestyle...where I am so sure of what He's said to me and I live in such anticipation of it, that in spite of being single and certain circumstances that say otherwise I am always moving towards my promises-joyfully anticipating that God will break in in the process. My friend put it like this, "It's (hope) as if you are walking around every unknown corner, not in fear, but in full anticipation that The Lord has good surprises for you as you turn. What will it be? What will it mean for my life?" 

I am gloriously terrified of becoming a missionary and beginning this part of my life 'by myself.' But I know that God's promises for me are good, so I joyfully move towards the fulness of what He has for me, knowing that He has good just beyond the veil. What will it look like? What will it sound like, feel like in the new room? I have no idea. But I am obsessed with this hope, with this anticipation that while it will take a different level of faith and trust to come into the room, that every moment of the process will be worth it.

So here we are, in a hallway. Will we choose joy and anticipation? Or fear and regret? Will we look back at what has felt familiar and shy away, or run with glorious terror at our futures, unknown and unseen just beyond the veil? 

It is my prayer that we would see that He is totally, completely and utterly trustworthy. There is absolutely no shadow of turning in Him, no thought in His mind to betray us, tease us or set us up for failure. It is my prayer that in this season we would run towards the unknown, holding our promises in front of us so that we don't forget what He's said about us. It is my prayer that we look beyond the veil, to the next door he has placed in front of us. And it is my prayer that hope would overtake us, causing us to move towards the promises we have on our lives, for the sake of the nations. 

The Art of (re) Finding Myself

This blog begins with a girl in search of who she is. I've been pondering so much the last few days. So much has happened in the last few years, especially since I moved to Redding. While so much of it has been good, and much more than I ever could have expected, I'm realizing how much of it has been so very hard. Along with this move came an unexpected twist of going back to school.

On many fronts, this has been the single most life-changing experience ever. The teaching I get on a day-to-day basis is enough to make even the most intelligent mind spin. Because of school I've been given space with Him to hear in a way that I haven't ever before. Because of school I was able to really see what I was truely made for, and to travel to that place in order to forever fall in love. 

But along with the sacrifice that school has been economically, it has been a massive sacrifice on the front of time and self. This year it has not been rare for me to work 30-35 hours, very early in the morning, then turn around and go to school 5 days a week. In the midst of that I've been trying, often unsuccessfully, to cultivate the few relationships that I do have and the other hours of the day I am usually sleeping or exhausted. 

I realized the last few days, that in the midst of that, I have, in a way lost myself...and not in a good way. I read back over the early days of when I was first really falling in love with Jesus. The things I wrote, the songs I sang, they were profound and are definitely the reason I am sitting here, 1900 miles away from anything I saw as normal before. 

Since Christmas I've been in a funk. There are many reasons why, but I think that this has a massive reason to do with it as well. Somewhere, in the midst of the crazy, the good and the bad...I lost myself. It wasn't that I was being mean to myself, or purposefully neglecting...but I forgot to give myself permission to just be me. To write for hours, to go on an adventure, to draw, to create just for the sake of creating. 

And sadly so, I allowed what other people said and did affect what I decided to say or do. I stopped writing because it wasn't 'profound.' I stopped singing because it wasn't my 'call.' I stopped adventuring because I had a list of 15 other seemingly more important things to do. I stopped loving because it wasn't the best form of love I knew I could give. 

It's fascinating and sad how different we function when we aren't just fully who He's made us to be. I don't write to impress someone else, I write because of Him. I don't sing because others can hear, I sing because I love Him and I want to let Him know. I don't paint or cook or love because I want a pat on the back, I do it because it's within me and it is a pure expression of Him in and through me.

 

We owe the world an encounter. We owe them a taste of His goodness, of His love, of His extravagance. But the truth is, though, that we cannot possibly give the world anything unless we have fully come to terms with who we are and when we decide to love that. 

I may never write anything profound in my life. I may never travel, or cook another meal. But one thing is for sure; I am done worrying or thinking about what people think. I want to be who God made me to be, and I want to take time and make space to express that. When I love who He's made me to be, that's when the world gets their encounter. True and authentic expression will release the kingdom everywhere I go. 

This blog ends with a girl relearning to truely love herself. With a girl that just simply wants to delight in the way that her daddy created her. It ends with a girl who wants to learn, as my dear friend Brenda would say, 'to love herself to life' and because she will be fully alive, love others to life as well. 

Lara 

(check out Brenda's Blog @ http://www.bespokeninternational.com )