Friday, October 31, 2014

Psalm 111

Have you ever had a week where you feel like no matter how hard you try, and no matter where you look you are reminded of your depravity? You can plan and prepare, analyze and think about how to make things better but you always seemingly fall short? You're late, can't seem to fully engage even though you keep beckoning yourself to 'just be better already'? And the more you can't seem to live up to your own standard the worse you get, falling deeper and deeper into frustration and becoming more and more aware of the way you 'should' be and where you actually currently are.

Yep. That's been me. This week started like any other week. I had a beautiful list of all of my events set out in a row. I had my perpetual list of things to do and accomplish. My ducks were in a row and I was 'ready.' Until, I wasn't. There's been no astounding event that has caused me to disconnect. No 'monster' has showed up to steal my motivation. And yet, I don't want to do anything. And when I do do something it feels totally and completely inefficient. It feels drab and underwhelming. Even this blog is starting to become a nuisance...

And in the midst of it, I have begun to question who I am, who I'm becoming, even my sanity at times. When you're handed who you're not and it's in your face in every moment, how do you respond? I can honestly say that I have not done well-I have just wanted to curl up in my bed and eat ice cream all week.

It's been a week, that unexpectedly, and for seemingly no reason has brought me face to face with my human-ness. I am a human. I make mistakes. I am broken. Even when I have all of my affairs in order I can do nothing apart from the perfect one. Human organization, reasoning and analysis can only get me so far. I am really good at self-management but this week has reminded me that He is the author of that, not me. He should have the pen of my every moment and unless He's running the show I will always come to the end of myself.

But when I am anchored in Him, even when I'm at the end of myself, I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of all that He is. Why do I so easily forget this? Today, I pray that if you are feeling overwhelmed at the lack that you see in yourself, you will begin to become more fully aware of all that He is not just for you, but in you. His character is unchanging. He is always fully engaged, He is always for us. Perfect in nature, perfect in every way. And even when we don't feel we can trust ourselves, He is completely trustworthy.

Though I forgot this throughout this week, usually ending in frustration at myself for not being 'better,' I am beyond thankful for the passage below. If anyone knows me, they know I see 1's everywhere I look. I always know when it's 11:11 or 1:11 because I see that time everyday, every time it shows.

Well, this is Psalm 111. It's mine, but I'll let you access it for the day. ;) This is the passion version. As you read it over yourself, let the fact that God's character NEVER changes wash over you. Allow the passage to effect you in every area of lack you've been experiencing. Because we are humans. We are going to have moments where we are fully aware of how far we have yet to go. In those moments, are you going to beat yourself up? Or are you going to fall into the never-changing, everlasting arms of the one whose love for you knows no bounds?

"He satisfies all who love and trust Him 
And He keeps every promise He makes. 
He reveals mighty power and marvels to His people 
By handing them nations as a gift! 
All God accomplishes is flawless, faithful and fair; 
And His every word proves trustworthy and true.
They are steadfast forever and ever,
Formed from truth and righteousness.
His forever-love paid a full ransom for His people
So that now we're free to come before Jehovah
To worship His holy and awesome name! 
Where can wisdom be found? 
It is born in the fear of God. 
Everyone who follows His ways, 
Will never lack His living understanding! 
And the adoration of God 
Will abide throughout eternity!"

I'm trying to rest in this today. My emotions still want to beat me up, but I will let these words nourish me instead.
God, thank you that in the midst of our instability you are completely stable. Thank you that you know and understand our humanity and that you don't call us to be perfect but holy. Set apart unto you, and just simply obedient. Help us to release ourselves from the pressures that we put upon ourselves to be righteous because it's you who makes us righteous. We love you and we want to make you known in the earth, help us to recognize that you are the author and perfecter of our faith. Thank you that you delight in us, and that we are free from the power of shame that would try to suck us into thinking that we can never be good enough. 

Thank you that you are stronger and greater and that I get to come to you when I'm feeling great and when I've just had a week like this one. Amen

Here's to a new week.

Friday, October 24, 2014

"Who Knows?"

Last night I was looking through some of my old posts...I was on my brother's Facebook and for reasons I cannot possibly understand other than God wanted me to see it, I happened across something I wrote what seems like a lifetime ago. 

May 12, 2010:
I should be doing my calvinism vs. arminianism homework but I just can't get myself to do it. There's something much more important going on in my heart tonight.

What's been eating at me all night is a passage that David Perkins talked about tonight at _tag tonight. It comes right after David's been confronted by Nathan after he sinned against God by having Uriah killed and getting Bathsheba pregnant. Nathan said that no matter what Bathsheba and David's first child would die. After Nathan said this David went into an intense time of fasting and weeping for the child's life. He would not take food or even get up off the ground for 7 days! When the child died however, he got up, cleansed himself and ate. His servants were very confused as to why David would mourn for the child while it was still alive and yet not mourn for it after it died.
To this David replied,
"While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me, and the child may live.' But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

Who knows?
Man, I wish I had faith like that. You see in those days Nathan was the very mouthpiece for God. What he said was final. And yet David shows that he is a man of great faith, for when he hears the baby's fate he still gets on his face before God and pleads with him for the baby's life because, "Who knows? Maybe God will be gracious to me."

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't starting to worry about what's next for me. I feel like God brought me here to Colorado for specific reasons and specific purposes. But now I'm less than 3 weeks from graduation and I have no idea what's next. SO it struck me tonight, this one little tiny phrase..."Who knows?"

Who knows? I could lead worship in a church for the rest of my life or I could never touch a piano again.
Who knows? I could travel the world or I could live in the midwest, being the best wife and mother and never see an airplane again.
Who knows? I could write a best selling novel that inspires the next generation to finally dream again or I could write a picture book that only my grandkids see.
Who knows?

One thing is for sure. Our God is Faithful.

So, SO freaking faithful. And therefore, I have nothing to worry about. All of the options suddenly become exciting again and not something to stress out about. I know that in God's perfect timing I will know what's next. I will know where I'm supposed to go. I will know eventually who it's supposed to be with. It's resounding in my soul so I'll say it once more...
Faithful, OH so faithful is the Lord on high. With Him ANYTHING is possible, so 'Who knows'?


Now, I shortened this version but the truth remains. Last night this totally gripped me, yet again. I had just made a list of all of the 'added' cost that I have coming on my plate this next month and though I would like to say I was making that list in faith-I totally wasn't. After reading this post though, I can't help but think, "Who knows?" Why not ask for crazy things? Why not dream excessively? Because, "Who knows?" Our God is so much bigger than we give Him credit for a majority of the time and He is definitely someone we can TRUST. 

Do you have a 'baby' that you're pretty sure you know the fate of? Have you doomed yourself and stopped asking for things that seem impossible? I do understand and see that David's child did, in fact die. But I wonder what David's heart would have been doing if He wouldn't have asked. Regret? Shame? Anger? Self-abuse? We will never know because David knew...there was hope. He anticipated good. In what ways have you stopped asking, and why have you? Because "Who knows?"

And sure enough...today as I was typing this God crossed off the biggest cost on that list. He does know, and He is good. He's not threatened by our petitions, He's not overwhelmed by our questions. Maybe He's waiting for you to ask. 
-Lara-

Friday, October 17, 2014

Praise for Heaviness

Heavy.
If I had one word to describe my last 2 weeks, it would be heavy. Though I am absolutely loving everything I'm doing, everything I'm learning and the people around me-everything I've been doing has felt heavy. It's like I've been walking through muck. This probably has nothing to do at all with my circumstances and everything to do with the fact that I can't seem to get 2 nights in a row that I actually sleep. It's crazy how lack of sleep can make everything feel so much worse than it actually is.

So. For this blog I've decided that I need to do or write something that's not heavy. We'll see how it goes...

Gratitude has this way of disarming things that seem to be threatening our growth or current circumstances. Gratitude has this way of taking our focus off of what's not happening and placing it on the extravagant things that are happening. Gratitude, I believe, is one of the things that our generation is missing on a fundamental level, and may just be the key to us becoming all that we want to be.

So, come on a journey with me. Think of your life right now, and no matter how 'bad' things feel work to look for the things you can and should be outrageously grateful and thankful for. Make a list and cultivate it in your life every day. I think you will be amazed and surprised at the dreams you are currently living out that you didn't even know you had. I know I am living out some things that I wouldn't have even known to ask the Lord for to begin with...but that's another blog for another time.

Let's cultivate gratitude.

Today...I am beyond grateful for:

  • My love for really good coffee and people that make it for me.
  • Beginning to put legs to my dreams concerning mission work
  • my brain; the way I think, organize, strategize and even obsess over certain things. I am learning that I love the way that I think and that when I use my mind under the leadership of the Holy Spirit it is a powerful tool. 
  • Being able to serve a Father at my church. I am learning so much just watching, observing and interacting with Paul
  • My beautiful mission agency who loves so well, asks all of my questions and gives such beautiful covering.
  • How the lord is providing in interesting, though unpredictable ways. The fact that for the first time in my life I don't have a physically taxing job that hurts my body. That though I have the lowest amount of income I've ever had, I still have enough to pay bills and eat well.
  • My crazy awesome, incredibly talented fellow intern team. I mean, we are the dream team and could probably conquer the world with our gift mixes. Just saying.
  • The power of healthy confrontation. It is so good for us to grow deeper through confrontation and holding 'accounts' for our abilities. It's uncomfortable but I am so thankful that God is teaching me to voice needs, concerns and to go to a deeper level with people. 
  • My family...the promises we are walking into and even that there is nothing that can keep us away from each other.
  • Getting to go to beautiful places.
  • Friends who love to walk excessive miles and talk excessively while doing it. 
  • Having a Christmas coming up that I will NOT be working retail for. (PTL!)
  • My inherited ability to be able to bake, cook and create in that way....food should NOT be boring.
  • Resounding hope that never stops because it is anchored in eternity.
  • IT'S FINALLY FALL!
  • The ability to grow, and God's grace when we get it wrong.
  • My Swiss sister and our Saturday Skypes. She is constantly challenging me to be better and loving me when I'm not better. 
These are just a few of mine today...what are some of yours? It seems silly but I just feel like it's so necessary. For me, it's all too easy to constantly see what's not right, to see what I'd love to be different or to change. But today, may you see the potential everywhere because you see all the things that you are blessed with. 

I kind of view it as beauty for ashes. I know God is the one that exchanges beauty for ashes in our circumstances but I think it's time that we (and I'm talking to ME!) stop focusing on the 'ashes' of our lives, and start to focus on the beauty. Let's see the beauty and know that the ashes aren't too big for God to overcome. Let's exchange our heaviness for Praise. Let's be thankful and grateful for what is and continue to go on a journey trust Him for what is not yet.

Let's be overwhelmed not by heaviness, but by gratefulness today.

Blessings,
Lara


Friday, October 3, 2014

I submit.


I’ve been doing a lot of planning lately. Planning my own schedule is something I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do, at least not fully. I’ve always had a consistent job, school, church obligations, etc. And now, besides 2 meetings every week I can do whatever I want to, whenever. I’ve been absolutely loving it, finding so much joy and freedom in being able to pursue whatever I’d like to in the best parts of my day. Sleep works wonders for the soul and most of the time though I work on things for 8-10 hours a day, I don’t feel as though I’ve worked at all.

It’s a joy, and yet every night I have a deeper and deeper revelation that I can’t plan my way out of a paper bag. Administration is one of my strongest gifts and I love to create structure…I’m a builder, organizer and creator by nature. Details are something I can’t not see…trust me, I’ve tried (anal is the word that comes to mind). So it’s not that I’m not good at planning, it’s just that without this great big gift submitted the one who’s given it, it yields absolutely nothing of value.

It’s funny and sad at how often we forget what's important in the kingdom. I am sad to say that there are so many days that I’ve administrated myself right out of having to love people, out of sacrificing my energy and time to care for those around me. I get so busy with 'stuff' (that might be important) that I forget that the kingdom is all about people, not tasks.

In a previous blog I wrote about the fact that I am the biggest and deepest dreamer I know. I have crazy and extravagant dreams and this is one of the first seasons of my life that I’ve had time and energy to begin to put my attention on making them a reality. But, without this beautiful gift in full submission to the one who owns it, excellence can quickly turn into criticism, cynicism and an overwhelming sense of seeing every detail that is wrong with anything. But under submission, oh, what a beautiful thing. Building structures to house and sustain His glory. Putting feet to dreams, excellence, etc.

No matter what your giftings, may we all work hard to use them with wisdom and in full submission to the one who gave that gift to begin with. It’s not enough to simply submit our weaknesses to Him, we must submit all of who we are-especially the parts of us that we think are strong.

I came across a prayer that I wrote out a few years ago. While it’s simple, I was struck by the profoundness of how I need to pray this even more now that I am actually coming alive and able to use my strengths. For most of my life I’ve seen God’s power because I was operating in areas of my personal weaknesses, but now that I am hitting my stride like never before…I recognize my need for Him even more in every moment.

I submit to your timings.
I submit to your knowing.
I submit to the control of your Spirit.
I submit my dreams and longings, all to your will for the glory of your name.
I submit my heart; it's aches and its joys.
I submit my mind; every thought and perception.
I submit my whole self to you, oh God, a willing servant to the cause of your kingdom. 
Every breath, every tear, every word and song shall ever be written for eternity.
This is my sacrifice, the only thing good enough to give; here's my life.
Amen.


I am profoundly humbled, more vulnerable than ever with my strengths showing because without Him in authority over them, I could never be enough. But when fully submitted, it will beautiful to watch His strength being expressed through me.

L