March. In some ways I cannot believe that it's already here. In some ways I can. There have been moments when I feel my life flashing by me, and me not knowing how to slow it down. I think this comes from entering into a season when you have little control over things that are directly effecting your life. Then there are other moments that seem to make life drag on forever. Tension is one of them.
Tension. The word that seems to be defining my life at the moment. Almost there, not there yet. Almost, but not quite. Here, but not fully arrived. Tension. We all have it to a certain capacity, but this one word is defining almost every area of my life. Some good tension, from God that's drawing out the gold. Other tensions, are things I need to take care of-situations that are not yet resolved. All, when resolved, will bring much glory to God.
I must apologize, because the last post and the beginning of this one have kind of been Debbie Downers. Some of you that know me must think I'm in a sad rut. But I'm not! My life since being here, has been amazing. God has been taking every single little thing that doesn't belong out of my heart. Things I didn't even know were hidden there, he's been drawing them out. Like drawing poison out of wounds. So naturally there's been discomfort in that. And naturally when you take someone out of the places that have always been safe for them, discomfort ensues.
But I'm so thankful. It's because of the times of hard pressure and shaping that we grow. It's a lot of times in the pain that we realize His strength and the strength He's gifted to us. It's in the times of intense pressure when you realize what's actually important to you, and what doesn't matter as much. It's in the times of uncertainty when you see that which is certain.
For me, this time of learning has taught me one thing more than anything else: He IS enough. It's something I've known in my head for as long as I can remember. But now I know it. I'm living in it. He's enough even when I feel directionless. He's enough even when I feel alone and ostracised. He's enough even when the money doesn't agree with the longings in my heart to give extravagantly. He's enough when I cannot come up with ideas. He's enough when times are good and He's enough when times are bad. Even when I do not feel it, and everything within me is crying out for connections and for more, He is enough. And He holds all the answers.
This God that we serve. He's the only thing that can fill the depths of our hearts that cry out for the things that we need. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
This has forever been one of the things that I have strived to do. I've realized more in the last 2 months, though, that one without the other is absolutely incomplete. And each of us gets caught up on certain things. For me, I have no problem trusting in the Lord with all my heart. I give like no one's looking. I go when He asks because my heart trusts Him. But dang, I've realized that I lean on my own understandings sometimes more than my heart trusts in Him. And if He holds all of the answers, why is it my default setting to try to figure things out on my own?
As all of you know, I'm needing to find a place to live here in the next couple of weeks. Things like this are WAY out of my gifting. Some of you are rolling your eyes because it would be such a simple task for you. Get on the phone. Delegate. Negotiate. Done. This isn't me or my personality. I've realized that looking at the whole situation I've been doing it through my own scope and lens. I've been leaning on my own understanding of who I am and also what I think God will do for me. See, not only do I have to find a place, but I need to be coming up with another income to pay for it. There are still parts of my head that keep saying that God will not supernaturally provide. I'm learning more than ever that 'leaning on our own understanding' isn't just leaning on your own knowledge but it's also leaning on looking at things the way God's always done them before. We cannot look into situations and put perspective limitations on the way God wants to work in this situation, right now. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make Your paths straight."
I'm glad that I've finally made it back around to the theme of what this whole blog is supposed to be about. Trust. This is my journey of trying to look at life the way that God does. To learn His unforced rhythms and try to join in. The journey of trust is something that, when in full relationship with Him, teaches us something every day. And oh boy, am I learning.
I love scripture, because there's almost always a promise at the end of a command. I am confident and certain, that God rewards those who are diligently seeking. I look forward to the days when all of the sacrifice and the parts of our hearts we have surrendered begin to be met by Heaven's blessings and an extravagantly loving Father. And as I learned at church on Sunday, I pray that it happens now, and if it doesn't I'll pray it happens now again tomorrow.
I know that so many of you long to have every single part of your lives acknowledge Him and His greatness. And I know that just like He will make my path straight here in Redding, He will make your paths straight for you as well. Do not be tempted to lean on your own understanding. For those of you with wavering hearts, decide today to trust in Him with all of your heart, dismissing fear and doubt. Do not be afraid to ask Him questions. Defy the enemy by acknowledging who He is in every area of your lives. And just wait and see what He does. I know I am.
"His love is worth the wait, the risk. At the end of it all, it's gonna be worth it."
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