Of Fear.

fear |fi(ə)r|
noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone.


I crossed a huge bridge today. I just felt like I really wanted to share and encourage you with it.

My whole life I've ached and longed to live a life that was pure and humble before God. I purposefully said no to a lot of things out of fear and out of a longing to preserve my own heart for Him. There were certain clothes that I would never wear, things I would never say, choices I refused to make. But somehow, like a lot of things that we do, I completely overcorrected-swinging entirely too hard and in many cases falling flat on my back.

I have come to realize that in my attempt to remain in a constant state of openness to God I have kind of forgotten how to live. I've lost a lot of understanding how to express myself, and how to be who I am for fear of doing something that wouldn't be holy. I've realized that I've so internalized everything that I've forgotten that it was Him who made me and longs to reveal me to the world. What started out as a pure longing in my heart actually trapped my personality inside of me, which is never God's intent.

Today I recognized that I've been so afraid to truly be me, that I've passed myself off as introverted in many cases where I was just simply afraid of how I would be received/perceived. But most of all, I've realized that I was afraid of failure. I've longed to be set in front of God and seen as pure, as right before Him to the point where I've done absolutely nothing because I don't want to 'mess up' and deal with the consequences. In so many cases, too many than I would like to admit, I have been the man in the Parable who simply goes and buries his talents in the field, not so much because I thought God was an angry, harsh man, but because I didn't want to lose that one talent I had, I didn't want to misuse it, and I certainly didn't want any attention if I would actually succeed with it. I have rendered myself useless for the title of 'purity.' I have not trusted that God's grace is sufficient for the times when I step out and it really wasn't Him telling me to do so.

But today, I also decided to walk over the bridge into a deeper understanding of what trust really is. Trust is knowing how to risk, and no longer fearing failure. You see, as many of you know I recently moved my whole life to California. I've still in many ways been waiting to see the exact purposes in this move. And yet, I still had this fear of failing. It wasn't so much that I didn't know how God would handle the failure, but rather how I would handle it. You see, much pride comes along with years of 'remaining pure' in your own eyes. If this is sounding like I'm beating myself up, it's not, I've just realized that I finally am able to say with confidence that whether what I say or do is a complete success or a complete failure, I know who my God is, and I know where my heart is...as I am not longer bound by this fear of failing any longer. It's so incredibly freeing to be able to lay something this huge down at His feet. To realize a wrong mindset, to recognize His hand in bringing you through it and to choose to leave it behind accepting His counsel in teaching you the right mindset is something that should happen on a regular occurrence for every believer.

So good grief. Enough of being afraid already. At least for me. What are you afraid of? For me it was failure, of pride, and also of success. But, I have now replaced that with trusting that He knows my heart no matter what I say or do.

"And the Lord said to Joshua, 'Do not fear and do not be dismayed.'" Joshua 8:1a
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, In God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18